Ronks-The Story
by Hermione0205
Summary: For all Ronks shippers comes the background story of Remus and Tonks, our beloved couples. Stays true to the book and the information revealed by Rowling. Enjoy! Disclaimer: Harry Potter belong to the magnificent JK Rowling. Plz review!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Meeting each other

Remus's P.O.V

I finally arrive. Even thought it seems selfish and everything, I am rather happy the Order reformed because now I will actually have something to do! I don't remember the last time I had a proper job after leaving Hogwarts.

I have no idea how Dumbledore expects everyone to understand Sirius's innocence. Sirius just left me to get the house ready. I do hope everything is all right…

As soon as I memorize Dumbledore's note and think about it, the house appears and I enter. The grim atmosphere can be felt immediately. Everyone is sitting rather tense at the table in the basement and all eyes are on Sirius. I sit down next to him after giving a short "Good evening".

They all seem like waiting for something, or someone. Then the door bursts open and Mad-Eye comes in along with a tall and imposing wizard and a young witch with pink hair. They sit down at the remaining places.

"Before we start, I'd like to announce the arrival of two new Order members." Dumbledore begins Kingsley Shacklebolt." He gestures towards the wizard and we all applaud. I suddenly remember the time I was appointed a teacher. "And Nymphadora Tonks. And of course, Bill Weasly!"

She smiles as again we applaud.

"Thank you, Professor, but it's simply Tonks!" she says kindly.

"You don't like your first name?" Snape asks slyly. I have a feeling he's going to use her first name only.

"I do prefer my surname, Snape!" she replies bitterly.

"So, first of all, you may have noticed Sirius Black here. He is innocent! The real killer of the Muggles and betrayer of the Potters is Peter Pettigrew. No, he is not dead! He transformed into a rat and lived by the name of Scabbers in Ronald Weasley's possession!" continues Dumbledore.

Molly gasps shocked. I needn't have worried. This brief explanation was enough to convince everyone. They all looked relived and smile at Sirius in apology. He smiles back.

"Furthermore, I also deeply trust Severus Snape!"

Not everyone agrees, but we all keep quiet. Dumbledore we must trust.

"Now about the war…" he finally officially starts the meeting.

Tonks's P.O.V

When it's all over, I decide I need to apologize to Sirius. But there's a huge crowd around him. It seems everyone had the same idea.

"Coming, Tonks? We need to go back to the Ministry! Says Mad-Eye, rather harsh, like his usual self.

"I can't leave now!" I reply. "Not until I apologize!"

Mad-Eye simply snorted. "You can do that another day! In case you haven't noticed, there are other people who have your idea!"

"He's my cousin, Mad-Eye!" I hiss.

All of a sudden, Sirius appears at my side smiling. He must have heard me.

"So you're Andromeda's daughter!" he says delighted. "She was my favorite cousin. Her sisters are…uh…" he shudders.

'I think I speak for both myself, but especially for my mother when I say I'm sorry we thought you were a terrible criminal!" I confess.

"It's all right! Everyone thought that! Even Remus, my old friend here-"he gestures to a shabby man who is examining some papers. Sirius pulls him towards us.

"This is Remus, by the way!"

We shake hands and I feel sudden warmth in mine.

"As I was saying," Sirius continues. "Even Remus, my old friend, my best mate, the one who had fun with James and I…and that bloody coward traitor, thought I was the worst person alive!"

Remus just rolls his eyes, looking amused.

"Well, the Ministry had pretty convincing evidence against you!"

He is talking to Sirius and yet his eyes are on me. Somehow that is weird and nice at the same time…Also; I can't make any sense of it. I just smile in agreement.

"Couldn't have put it better!" I pause before I add, "I do have a question, Sirius.."

"Sure, what is it?"

Somehow, I don't know how to phrase it. "Well," I begin, "since Pettigrew spent twelve years disguised as a rat, he must be an unregistered Animagus. And so are you. Also, you were friends…Is it a coincidence?"

Sirius grins and turns to address Remus. He has begun walking away slowly, his face suddenly pale.

"I think this is your story to tell, mate!" he pushes Remus forward and then leaves to talk to Mad-Eye who is sitting annoyed, waiting for me.

Remus is tense and looks at the floor.

"Story?" I ask him. "Ok, now I'm curious!"

Remus's P.O.V

I'm going to kill Sirius! He can't possibly make me tell Tonks what I am! He knows I can't! And he knows she probably won't ever want to talk to me again! But all the Order know anyway and she might find out from them…I don't know what's worse; me telling her, or her finding out from some one else…

"I'm listening..." she says and I force myself to look her in the eye.

"Well…you see…" I begin unsurely.

"It's all right if you don't want to tell me!" she says understandingly.

"I do want to tell you, but I just don't know how!" I say." But you have to promise you won't laugh, grimace, be scared or disgusted!"

Her expression is blank. I bet this is the last thing she expected to hear. But I want her word that she won't react nastily.

"Why should I be disgusted?" she asks confused.

I smile humorlessly. "Oh, you'll see!"

She just blinks and stares.

"Look, if you want to hear the story, you must swear you won't-"

"Fine!" she says almost annoyed. "I promise I won't… do anything listed above! Happy?"

"Yeah!" I say truthfully. Everyone in the Order has accepted me. Why shouldn't she? I guess I'm just scared to be rejected by someone who seems to genuinely appreciate me…

"Well, it isn't a coincidence Peter and Sirius are unregistered Animagi…James was one too- a stag..."

"And so are you?" she tries to guess.

"No, although I'd prefer to be one. They all became Animagi just to keep me company during full moon and I can never thank them enough!"

"So you're a werewolf?" she asks.

I nod. I wasn't that bad after all!

"Wow, I wish I had your friends!" she says smiling.

And all of a sudden I begin telling her everything about my friends and school days and our adventures at full moon… I keep expecting her to make fun of me, but instead she smiles. She looks pretty when she smiles…

"That does sound like fun!" she says.

Right then, Mad-Eye storms into the room. I realize now that we are the only ones there. Tonks whispers a "Good bye!" and leaves before Mad-Eye can explode.


	2. Chapter 2

Tonks's P.O.V.

Several days later I arrive at Headquarters, summoned by Arthur. When I get into the now-familiar kitchen, the only people I see there are the Weasleys and Remus. Arthur's younger kids moved in almost immediately, since their parents and Bill are official members. There're all very nice, especially Ginny and Molly. I like everyone here, except Snape…and it's not just because he insists on using my first name!

"What is it?" I ask, looking at Arthur, since he is the one who called me here.

"Well, Dumbledore assigned the mission of getting Hermione Granger safely here to you and Remus. She already knows so I suggest leaving as quickly as possible!" he says.

"Um…and why should she be here?" I ask.

Ron has told me a bit about Hermione, but if Harry can't come, why should she? Not that I'm complaining! She sounds like a great person!

"Dumbledore considered it would be a good idea." Remus replied.

"And when is Harry arriving, then?" I ask still confused.

"Nobody knows!" says Molly bitterly.

"All right, then I guess we should be going!" I say to Remus and he nods.

We bid the others good-bye and leave the house. I disguise myself into a middle-aged woman with mousy hair. Once outside I look quickly around and groan.

"We're taking the Knight Bus, aren't we?" I sigh.

"Why are you so disappointed?" he asks.

"If you haven't noticed until now, I am like the clumsiest person that ever existed!"

"Oh, come on, you're not that bad!" he says with an encouraging smile.

"Yeah, sure!" I mumble, although I do appreciate his attempt to cheer me up.

In a few minutes we get to a Muggle house and I know whose it is. Remus knocks on the door and a fifteen year-old girl with bushy hair opens smiling.

"Professor Lupin!" she says happily.

He smiles as Hermione steppes back to allow him to come in.

"Hello, Hermione," he says pleasantly. "It's certainly nice to see you again. This is Nympha-" he begins.

"Remus," I growl and he sighs.

"This is Tonks. If you wish to use her Christian name she will likely curse you so I advise you strongly against it."

Unsure of whether he was joking or not, Hermione looks nervously at me and I grin.

"Guessing you're the one and only Hermione Granger?" I ask.

She nods as her parents arrive.

"All good I hope," inquires Mrs. Granger with a wry smile on her face.

"Naturally," replies Remus.

Hermione makes quick introductions and her father does a double take at Remus's name. "You- you taught Hermione in her third year, yes?"

"Well, according to her grades you did a marvelous job," cuts in Mrs. Granger, leaning across her husband to shake his hand.

He laughs. "If I'd just sat in silence at my desk for a year Hermione would still have passed with flying colours."

Hermione flushes. I bet she still hasn't gotten used to receiving praise.

"All right, all right," I say to the Grangers. "It was lovely to meet the both of you but we are on quite a tight schedule so we should really be off."

Hermione gives her parents a tight hug each as they both kiss her on the cheek and then picks up her trunk. They all say their goodbyes and Hermione leaves with us. I almost trip over the front step.

"I suppose you're wondering where we're going?" he asks Hermione, clearly trying not to laugh.

"Yes. I know it's not the Burrow."

"You're right, as usual, Hermione! We can't really talk about where we are going or why it was Tonks and I that collected you but it will all become clear soon enough, I promise."

"Can I change back now?" I start as soon as we turn into a side street off the main road Hermione lives on. "I can actually feel myself aging. Any minute now I'm going to take up crocheting."

"Go on then," he says with a small smile after looking around quickly. "Just remember - one day that will be what you really look like."

I don't appreciate his joke and I give him a dirty look before changing back into myself. "Are you a Metamorphamagus?" squeals Hermione in excitement.

"Ten points to Gryffindor," smiles Remus.

I'm rather impressed at her knowing the term. "Knows her stuff this one does," I say, giving Hermione an appraising look.

"By the way, Tonks, why pink? I thought it was blue before," inquires Remus when we come to a stop near a yellowing lawn.

I shrug and ruffle my new shorter hair. "Fancied a change. What do you think?"

"It's very… bright." He says slowly.

I give him a look of confusion. What is he trying to say?

"It suits you." He says simply then turns away quickly to call the bus.

"What does that even mean?" I am still confused.

"It looks lovely. Now can we get on with this?" he sounds almost annoyed and I scowl at him. I don't know if he's seen me, because the Bus has just appeared.

"Is-is that the Knight Bus?" breathes Hermione, clutching her chest. "I know it's got Muggle-repelling charms on it but we're in the middle of the street and it's still daylight! In 1974 the bus was accused of breaking the Statute of Secrecy and -"

"Has she always been like this?" I ask Remus, eyeing Hermione with wonder. "Hogwarts has definitely improved since my day." As we get on the Bus I realize how nice this girl is. No wonder Dumbledore thought it would be a good idea to bring her.

Remus's P.O.V

"So let me get this straight!" Tonks says clearly confused after my attempt to explain what happened. "Dementors. Attacked. Harry Potter. Here, at his aunt and uncle's!" We are in Privet Drive. It's Tonks's watch and I've come to bring her the news that shocked everyone, including myself. "Yes, that's what I said! It's the third time I'm confirming it!" I say, tring to sound annoyed. But I'm not. I just can't get annoyed when I am with her and it's strange. "Anyway, what's the plan? Do we even have a plan?" she asks concerned. "Well, Mad-Eye thinks it's a good idea to make an Advance Guard and take Harry safely to Headquarters. He says he'd go alone, but Harry probably won't trust him after everything that happened a month ago with the fake Moody who tried to kill him" I tell her. "Harry trusts me, so I think I should come, but others volunteered to, and we can't take everyone." Thinking back, it's hard to believe it's been a month since I've rejoined the Order. It might sound selfish, but it's better that looking for a job and keep getting fired. "He'd have to take me!" she says smugly. "Just because you're his protégée, doesn't mean you get privileges!" I say smiling. In fact I'd like it if she came too. "That's exactly what it means!" she snaps. "You know you'll have to make yourself useful, don't you?" I inquire. "You think I can't make myself useful?" she sounds almost hurt. "I can use a distraction for his family! Like sending a fake notice that they've won a lawn competition!" she suggests. "That sounds like a good idea!" I say genuinely impressed. "But do you know how to use Muggle post?" "My Dad's Muggle-born! Of course I bloody well know how to use Muggle post!" she is clearly upset. "Sorry, my mistake!" I say ironically. There is a short pause before I add awkwardly. "Sirius told me your mother was disowned because she married a Muggle-born." She nods quickly. "Yeah, she loved Dad very much; otherwise she wouldn't have done it!" She pauses before continuing speaking more to herself, because it's more of a whisper. "One day I want to love someone like my mother loves my father. I want it to feel real. I've never had that…" she stares in space forgetting I'm even there. I don't know why but a shiver goes down my spine as she says this. It's the first time I actually feel uncomfortable around her. But why do I feel like this? She's just made a confession, there's nothing wrong with that! But now that I think about it, I'd hate it if she did fall in love with some young Aur- Why am I thinking like this? It's not my problem or concern who she falls in love with! But I still don't like the idea and I refuse to think about it. I close my eyes and try to get it out of my head. When I open them, my heart is pumping harder than it should. "Remus, are you ok?" she asks looking at me strangely. I have to bring myself back to reality and quickly. "Yes, of course I am, why shouldn't I be?" I say tring to be convincing. "Anyway, what do we do now?" she asks quickly in attempt to change the subject and I'm glad she does. "Do we wait for Mad-Eye's instructions?" Suddenly I can feel comfortable around her again. "Well, it was Kingsley who told me about this. He's still at work. I was supposed to announce you and…then wait for further instructions." I don't add that I was the one who volunteered to announce her. "I should get back." I say although I do wish I can stay more.

"Why didn't you send a Patronus?" she asks, ignoring my last sentence. "I don't like using Patronuses." I say simply, but I don't explain why and I have a feeling she'll ask anyway. "Why?" I sigh and sit down on the ground. She sits next to me, eager for explanations. "It's a wolf!" I finally say. "Normally I don't use a corporal form because it might give away my condition." "But everyone in the Order knows-"she begins "Yes, they do, but that's not the point! The point is that anything wolfish disgusts me as well as it does to anyone. I can't help hating who I am!" I finally let out after years of thinking like this. It feels good! "I don't see why you're making such a fuss!" she says confused. "How can you possibly hate yourself?" I sigh exasperated. I wish I could think the same way as her. But for me it is a big deal. "Look, you don't understand! You don't know how society sees werewolves! And in a way they're right, we're very dangerous. I was bit when I was four. My parents had to move every few months when neighbors started to get suspicious of my uncontrollable violence. I can't find a proper job! I always end up fired!" I say, raising my voice. "And yet you found three amazing friends who became Animagi in order to help you!" she says understandingly. "Which is proof that you can find happiness no matter how bad thing seem to get!" "Still, I'm ashamed of what I did…" I admit. She blinks confused. "Why?" "Why? Because I led three underage students into illegally becoming animals! I betrayed Dumbledore's trust! Dumbledore, who accepted my condition and offered me a place at Hogwarts when no other Headmaster would have," I am on the verge of screaming. I don't usually like talking about this. I remember how hard it was to explain it to Harry two years ago. But with her near me it all seems easier. Tonks puts a hand on my shoulder and I force myself to look her in the eye. Now they are pale blue. I've never noticed what color they usually are…Again, I have to force myself back to reality. "You're way too harsh on yourself!" she says comfortingly. "I've known you for a month, but I have been convinced that you're a wonderful person. You've just had an unfortunate incident in the past that casts a shadow over you." "Wow…Thanks…" is all that I can say. She's simply taken me by surprise. "You really think so?" I ask quietly. "I know so!" she replies steadily and pauses before adding. "If you ever need to talk, just know that I'll be here for you!" "I can't put into words how much this means for me!" I say amazed. She smiles and takes her hand off my shoulder. I had forgotten it was there. I suddenly realize I just made a new friend…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Christmas

Tonks's P.O.V

I can't believe how much this place has changed since I last came here! Grimmauld Place doesn't look so grim anymore. I bet everyone has put a huge effort into making it look this way. Sirius comes forward as soon as I open the door.

"Merry Christmas, dear cousin!" he says happily and hands me a present. "Now come along and join us for the feast!" he puts his hands on my shoulders and steers me towards the kitchen from the back. "Um…Sirius are you ok?" I ask worried. He looks too jolly. "'Course I am! Can't a convicted innocent murderer that's just escaped freaking Azkaban be happy on Christmas Day?" he asks smiling. I just stare at him confused as he opens the kitchen door for me. Molly, her children, Harry, Hermione and Remus are all eating Christmas lunch. They greet me noisily. This is much more fun than I expected. I end up sitting next to Remus. "Merry Christmas, Tonks!" he says smiling widely. "So Sirius isn't the only one who's taken anti-depressive pills!" I reply, trying hard not to laugh. I've gotten used seeing them miserable and their happiness is weird.

"Can't a werewolf that hates his condition because it's been giving him a miserable life be happy on Christmas Day?" he sounds shocked. I burst out laughing and he joins in. "By the way, here's your present! Mine was wonderful, thank you!" he says handing me a bottle of perfume. "You really shouldn't have…" I take it, wondering how much it must've cost him. "Thank you, anyway, it's wonderful!" I put my arms around him hugging him. It feels strangely comforting. He pats my back awkwardly and I break away slowly. He looks surprised by my sudden gesture. His eyes find mine and I suddenly can't look away…Luckily Sirius comes in to talk to us. My throat has gone dry. I don't hear a word Sirius is saying. This isn't the first time I've hugged someone, so why am I feeling so…strange… "Tonks, can you come here for a minute?" I hear Ginny call. "Yes, sure," I reply happy to get out of the tight surroundings. Sirius and Remus are talking and neither notices me as I slip away. "Tonks, do you think Hermione likes Ron?" Ginny whispers. "What kind of question is this?" I am taken by surprise. Ginny smiles and sits down. I do the same. "Well, Tonks, you're like the older sister I never had. At first when I wanted to talk about boys I went to Hermione, because she's my best friend. But now this is about her. She has given me advice about Harry. Even if I still haven't totally given up on him, I managed to find myself a boyfriend whom I fancy. So, anyway, I'd like to help her too in a way, since she broke up with Viktor. So…what do you think?" "Well," I begin slowly. "I'm not sure if Hermione likes Ron, but Ron is definitely in love with Hermione. Even if you hadn't told me about his jealousy towards Viktor, I can see it in the way he looks at her." Ginny smiles, but before she can say anything else, Molly comes forward. "So, what were you talking about?" she asks curiously. "Tonks was telling me that you can tell whether a boy likes you by the way he looks at you," replies Ginny without giving details, then leaves to talk to her siblings, probably planning their visit too Arthur.

"So…you told Ginny a boy likes you by the way he looks at you?" Molly asks. I nod and take a bite of turkey. I wonder what she is getting at. "Like Remus looks at you?" she asks with a smile. The piece of turkey remains stuck in my throat and I choke on it. Harry and Ginny come quickly and thump me on the back until I swallow my food and can breath properly again. I look around for Molly, but she has disappeared. "Thanks, guys," I say quickly. "Excuse me for a minute…" Before they can say anything I rush into the first room I find open and lean against the door. Why is my heart thumping fast? Because of the possibility that Remus likes me? No, I think, that is impossible! We are friends, but that's it; no more and no less then friends…But then why can't I calm down?

Remus's P.O.V "Hey, there!" I tell the werewolf while Molly is shouting at Arthur. "How are you?" "Get away!" he says grumpily. "I know how you feel…" I say comfortingly. He gives me a snort. "Yeah, sure! Look, buddy, I'm gonna tell you what I told the ginger man whose wife is yelling at; back off or I'll give you-" "You can't bite me so don't try to threaten me!" I say with a wry smile. "Greyback got there first." His expression changes immediately. "Oh, so you're-" "Yes, I'm the werewolf Arthur talked about. And I know what you're going to ask me! You want to know how hard it is for me to get on with life. I'm not going to lie, because it's not worth it. I can't find a job, I always end up fired and I hate who I am." I confess. "But I haven't given up and I never will. Something good always happens to me when I find myself in times of trouble. And Tonks taught me that this is just something unfortunate that happened to me and I have to continue fighting it no matter what!" I am now speaking more to myself and I smile unconsciously when I remember Tonks's words of encouragement and how much they meant to me. How much she means to me. I never though she'd become so important to me. Then somehow my mind switches to when she hugged me this morning…

"Thanks for your encouragement!" the man says and I nod smiling. I have forgotten he was there, because for a second everything vanished.

Tonks's P.O.V

I sit down heavily next to Remus after we left the kids at Hogwarts. I still hate this bus. But this time I don't fall at all. I'm too busy thinking. "Tonks, what's the matter?" Remus asks after a while clearly surprised I'm not as clumsy as usual. "Aren't you worried?" I snap. "About the possibility that Harry can be possessed by You-Know-You, like Mad-Eye said?" "Why don't you just say his name?" he asks almost bored. "Don't change the subject!" I know I shouldn't be this nasty but I just can't help it. "Look, obviously I'm worried, but Snape will teach him Occlumency, so Harry will be fine as long as he does well in his lessons." I roll my eyes, still annoyed. "Do you really trust Snape?" "It comes down to whether you trust Dumbledore's judgment or not! I do and therefore I trust Severus!" he says in finality. I must admit he has a point, but I still don't like Snape and I never will. We sit in silence for the next few minutes and when we're almost there, Remus gets up and offers me a hand. I take it, careful to not fall. "I hope we never have to take this bus ever again!" I mutter. All of a sudden, the bus jerks sideways and I slip out of his grip, falling backwards. But I don't hit the floor because he catches me. I look up at him and suddenly my heart is hammering unnaturally fast. I can't look away and I can't move. I feel frozen and all that I can think about is how little space there is between us and how claustrophobic I'm feeling. All of a sudden Molly's words make their way in my head and I hear an echo of 'Like Remus looks at you'. I don't have any idea how much we stood like that; it couldn't have been more that thirty seconds but it felt like hours to me.

I hear Stan calling us to go, because it's our station and that's when I finally manage to get on my feet. I murmur a 'thanks for the ride' and quickly get off, aware that Remus is just behind me. "Are you ok?" he asks shaken like he's just been through a difficult life-threatening situation. I nod and smile as convincingly as I can, but everything inside me tells me that I'm far from ok…

Remus's P.O.V

I keep pacing up and down in Sirius's room which we share when I'm not on duty. Something is clearly wrong with me. For the past ten minutes I can't stop thinking about what happened in the bus!

Every time I close my eyes the only thing I can is her face. I don't know why I'm reacting like this, but something changed then and I feel I can't look at her the same way.

I grab the nearest pillow and hurl it towards the door in frustration. Sirius has just come in and I realize I accidentally hit him.

"Wow, easy mate!" he says smiling. "I don't do anything!"

"Sorry, Padfoot!" I murmur and sit down on the bed covering my face.

All I can feel is exasperation because I don't know what's happening to me…or why my heart was beating so fast while I caught her…

"So, you're worried about Snape and his damn Occlumency lessons too?" he asks.

"What?" I say looking up, because honestly this was the last thing I was thinking about now.

"So, you were not thinking about Harry's Occlumency lessons. In fact, you couldn't care less since you trust Snape," Sirius concludes. "So then what were you thinking about?" he pauses "Or who?"

I blink confused. "What do you mean by that?"

"Look, you weren't this…disturbed when you left with the kids!" he points out. "So do something! Exactly what am I missing here?"

I open and close my mouth several times, but I find myself unable to speak, simply because I don't know what to say.

"Don't lie, Remus! You're my best friend! Be honest!"

"How can I be honest if I don't know what's wrong with myself?" I say annoyed. "Here's what happened! On the bus Tonks fell and I caught her. And I don't know why my heart was beating so fast, or why my palms were sweating, or why I couldn't move! And this is the only thing I can think about right now and I don't know why!"

During this time I got up and was pacing once more around the room. Sirius grins and sighs heavily.

"I don't know how I should feel about my best friend being in love with my baby cousin…"

"What? No!" I scream. "I am _not_ in love with her!"

"Yeah, sure!" he says sitting down.

I am shacking all over, refusing with all my might to not even consider this possibility, simply because it's absurd.

"Sirius, I have never been in love before and I'm not going to start now and especially not with her!"

"By the way, she is funny and pretty and smart and-"he begins, trying hard not to laugh.

"Sirius," I growl "Shut up!"

I have never been this angry with him before.

"Oh, come on, Moony!" he says on a more serious tone. "I've seen how you look at her! It's the same way James looked at Lily! This is love and you can't control it no matter how hard you try!"

I open my mouth to snap something nasty back at him, but I end up giving him and an angry stare and growling:

"I. Am. Not. In Love!" after that I storm out, slamming the door.

I keep repeating it in my head, hoping it will make it go away. But the more I think about it, the more the possibility sinks in. What if I have fallen in love with Tonks?


	4. Chapter 4

Tonks's P.O.V:

I am returning from work and heading towards my tent, well, mine and Molly's, when I bump into someone.

"Mad-Eye, could you possibly get out of my tent's entrance!" I begin annoyed, but then I turn around to find out it wasn't Mad-Eye at all.

"Sorry, I was looking for you," Remus says with a smile.

"Here? Don't you have missions to complete?" I ask, ignoring the thumping of my heart.

"Actually," he says , suddenly uncomfortable. "I was supposed to work with you watching Avery's house.

"Oh, all right then!" I stammer "Should we start?"

He nods, but I see that his mind is anywhere but on our mission.

"Remus, are you all right?" I say softly.

"What?" he blinks, "Oh, yeah, I'm feeling great! Lets go!" he looks as if he's just come back from a trance.

We walks away and I catch up. "Why can't we just Apparate?"

"Dumbledore thinks they may have secret defenses."

I struggle to keep up with him. Still looks disturbed.

"I see…Sorry this makes me sound stupid, but what are we expected to do? Also, why the hurry?" he slows down a bit so we can walk side by side.

"Gather evidence. Spy. Observe whether they're planning something. Has to be done."

"Are you sure you're all right? You're acting…odd"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" he forces a smile. "The sun is shining, the birds are singing-"  
I give him an exasperated look.

"What?" he asks innocently.

"Let me remind you that the sun is out of sight because we're in a freaking forest and there are no birds in sight!"

A long pause follows in which I stare menacingly at him.

"Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind with the Order and full moon approaching…" he seems to be searching for other reasons, ultimately deciding that two are enough.

"Umm….Full moon is due in about two weeks! Why are you worrying this early?" I remind him.

"Since when do you keep track of the lunar cycle?" he asks nervously and begins walking faster. "Also, it's a week and five days, just so you know."

"Still didn't answer my question!" I remind him in a nagging voice . When he doesn't reply, I take out my wand and whisper 'Confundus'. He trips on a twig, falling face first into the mud. I burst out laughing.

"That. Wasn't. Funny." He grunts, but I sense his, holding back a smile.

"Oh, come on, it was; admit it!" I say, helping him get up.

"You know I could shove you too, right?" he grins, still holding my hands. "I just don't push girls!"

"Stop acting the gentleman and admit that you're afraid of my revenge," I snap and we both double over laughing.

Lupin's POV

"Moony!" I hear Sirius's voice and feel the mattress pulled from underneath me as I fall in the floor.

"I've been trying to get to you for like, ten minutes, but you've been gone to the Moon," he chuckles at his own joke and I give him the 'It's not funny" look.

"Sorry, mate!" I mumble and levitate the mattress back to its place.

"What's wrong with you?" he snaps. The only time you've actually been on this planet was when we talked to Harry! Otherwise-"

"Yeah, whatever! I know I can't concentrate. It's just that my mind is full of thoughts." I don't tell him what sort of thoughts. In fact, there's no need to, because suddenly his face softens and he smiles.

"Don't say it!" I warn him.

"Say what?" He grins innocently.

"Sirius, I'm really not in the mood for-"

"Remus," he cuts in, "You love her! When are you going to accept the freaking truth!"

"I hate you!" I mumble, then sit down in frustration, hating that Padfoot is right. "I didn't want this to happen! It's what I've always dreaded!" I whisper, staring at the floor.

"Look, you don't choose if you fall in love or who you fall in love with,ok! It just happens. And it doesn't matter if you like it or not because you can just 'unlove' her!"

I finally look up at him. "And how's that supposed to help me?"

He shrugs. "It's not! Just ask her out."

I jump out of the bed. "What? I can't just 'ask her out'! Are you mad?"

" Barking mad if you'll excuse the pun," he grins annoyingly.

"You are not funny!" I almost shout. "At all!"

I pace around the room and finally decide to let out what's been pressing on me all this time.

"It just hurts to know that I can never be with her. I mean, look at her; she can have any man she wants. I don't even want her to fancy me! I've always known that being what I am, I can't afford to fall in love, because I'm a danger to everyone around me! I know life isn't fair, but still…Why do bad things always happen to me?"

Sirius opens his mouth to say something encouraging, but I cut him off. "Do me a favor and don't open the subject again."  
He nods relunctantly. "I'll just say one more thing: James never gave up on Lily."

"Good night, Padfoot!" I say getting into bed grudgingly.

This has nothing to do with James. He wasn't bitten; he was allowed to not give up on the person he loved.

Tonks'

I sit in the tent reading an old guide on being an Auror. The mission we'd gone onto wasn't even close to interesting. We had next to nothing to observe. Still, I enjoyed being there with him; it felt so natural.

"Why are you smiling?" I suddenly hear Molly's voice.

"No reason," I reply quickly, trying to hide my blushing face in the book. "How was your day?"

"And why were you staring into space?" she continues, a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth.

"No reason," I repeat. "And you still didn't answer my question!"

"Why are you continuing changing the subject, Tonks dear?"

When I don't answer, Molly comes and sits across me, smiling softly.

"How was your mission with Remus?"

"Nice." I reply shortly.

"The mission or Remus?" she asks slyly.

I blink, not fully understanding where she wants to get with this. "You can tell me." When I keep staring blankly she goes on, "You know, how you feel about him."

"What do you mean?" I stammer, unaware of the sweating that had taken over me.

"You know exactly what I mean"

"Fine," I say after a long pause. "I kind of like him…a bit…more than a bit…really much…And I don't even know why; he's much older! I've liked boys before and it's never been…like this"

Molly takes my hand. "If you love someone because of their looks; you don't love then them, you're physically attracted to them. If you love someone because of their intelligence, you don't love then; you admire them. If you love someone despite the many things that separate you, and don't know why, you love them."

I guess I do.


	5. Chapter 5

Despite what I've told Sirius, I can't stand not being with her. As long as she's spending time with me, I don't mind the fact that I can never have her. So I've been taking all missions that include her. Of course Padfoot has sensed that and keeps giving me funny looks that say: "I know what you're doing", but he stays true to his word and doesn't bring up the subject again and I'm very grateful.

We're just coming back from some stupid, boring mission involving yet again spying on former Death Eaters. As we're heading towards our camp, I notice she's very thoughtful.

I raise a quizzing eyebrow and she senses the unasked question.

"I was thinking of Sirius. How he is daily stuck in that that horrible grim house with no one as company but that annoying house elf." She says dreamily.

I suddenly have the urge to say something against the only friend I have left but I quickly bite my tongue.

"He's safe and that's all that matters." I say and I'm astonished at how harsh my voice sounds. This is Sirius we're talking about. He's more than a brother to me. And yet something cruel is bubbling inside me when I hear how concerned she is for him.

"It's funny how after so many years cooped up in Azkaban he's still sane," she continues not even noticing me, "And handsome" she adds.

So this is what jealousy feels like, I think as a sudden hate for dear Padfoot clouds my judgment.

I snort annoyed, "Course you think that; he always gets all the women. I just thought that since you're cousins you wouldn't fall for him."

I always knew that at some point she'd fall in love with some handsome Auror and that I'd have to suffer the pain, but I never expected to feel this angry. And since Sirius is involved it makes it a hundred times worse.

I realize too late that she's stopped a few feet behind me and that in my frustration of her not ever loving me the way I love her I've continued walking. When I turn around to face her, I have an apology prepared. I've been way to nasty. She's bubbling with rage , her face blotched with tears. I immediately regret every word I've said. I open my mouth to make it up to her although, frankly, I have no idea how. I don't get a chance to speak because she screams:

"You'd know perfectly well who I've fallen for if you weren't so busy feeling sorry for yourself!"

She doesn't wait for any reaction, but storms right past me, towards the tents.

It takes me a few moments to register her words. Their meaning slowly warm my heart and for one split second I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'd never even considered the possibly of her loving me back. It's so unbelievable that I stagger and crumple on the soft wet grass and burst into tears of happiness. 'She meant me!' I keep repeating to myself.

But that elation was short lived because the horrid reality punches in.

What have I been thinking of? I'm a goddamn werewolf. I've always known I'm not allowed to fall in love and yet I did. What's more, instead of dread at finding out she's also fallen for me, I have felt actual happiness. I feel like punching myself for being that irresponsible.

I should have let her go a long while before she even had the chance to know me. My egoism and desire for her ruined everything. The knowledge that she does care for me but that we can't be together tears me apart.

How could he say something like that? Isn't he ever going to stop feeling guilty about what he is? Isn't he ever going to open his eyes and see how much I care for him?

By the time I get back into the tent, I'm already sobbing. Molly has her back turned and I really don't want her to see me, so I get into my bunk, pretending to rest. All of a sudden I hear her talk.

"Did you and Remus have a fight?"

I nod, not wanting to speak.

"You can tell me, you know?" she says softly and puts a hand on my shoulder. It's comforting, but even if I would want to, I don't know how without sounding stupid.

"I know," it comes out like a strangled squeak.

I can feel her give me a small smile, then walk away, understanding my need to be alone. Before exiting the tent, she turns towards me "Remus is fonder of you than he'll admit."

I already knew that, never doubted it. And from that moment I knew that the age gap or him being a werewolf weren't enough reason for me to stop loving him.


	6. Chapter 6

Tonks' POV

A few days have passed and I get the impression that we're purposefully avoiding each other. For the moment I don't mind, but I know that we'll eventually have to face each other whether we like it or not. I try to prepare myself emotionally, not knowing what to say or how to say it when the time does come.

Then something happens that takes my mind of him, however briefly. Snape sends a message that Harry has been tricked into going after Sirius at the Ministry.

What feels like centuries later I wake up at St. Mungo's. There's a lot of commotion all around me and I can't move.

"What happened?" I mumble semi-unconscious and everyone turns to face me. I can barely distinguish a few faces…except him. He looks sick with worry…or is the full moon approaching?

"Well," Kingley's voice begins slowly, and I sense he's doing some quick thinking about what to tell me and what not to tell me. I do recall what happened to Sirius. I feel more than grieved, because he deserved so much more…

"What do you remember?" he asks.

"Mostly nothing!" I don't know why I lie.

"You were injured by your insane cousin Bellatrix, shortly before she murdered poor Sirius…" he pauses, obviously wondering if he should go on. "The good news is that a certain Minister of Magic has finally accepted You-Know-Who is back. Also, you need rest!"

An eerie silence follows, and then people eventually start filing out slowly and silently, all of them mourning Sirius. I don't want to be left alone, not after everything that's happened. And then I see Remus standing uncertain in the doorway, his eyes fixed on me.

Yep, definitely worried. It's a nice, fuzzy, warm feeling knowing that. He heaves a sigh and turns to leave.

"Remus," I croak, not even thinking, "Don't go!" I realize that him just being near me would make me feel way better than any medication the Healers would give me.

He nods, as if relived that I'd asked but at the same time apprehensive. Taking small steps he gets near my bed, and eventually sits on the stool next to me. He gives me a small smile and I see him blinking tears out of his eyes. He looks as if he wants to say something, but no sound can come out as he repeatedly opens and closes him mouth.

I reach out for his hand, needing his touch more than anything right now. I half-expect him to pull away, but instead he holds on tighter as though afraid of losing me.

"That was really brave what you did for Harry," I whisper.

"You….you remember that?" his surprise finally gets his vocal cords to work properly again.

"Sure," I reward him with a sad grin. "You held back your best friend's son while watching your other best friend die to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Not many people have the nerve to do that, you know."

The sedative sinks in and I fall asleep again.

Remus' P.O.V

"Umm…Lupin?"

A rough hand grips my shoulder none too gently and I suddenly wake up. I'm still besides Tonks; I've fallen asleep holding her hand. The idea of that fills my chest with a bubbly happiness that I've never felt before. I look up and glimpse Mad-Eye. I can't make out his exact expression. Something between hilarity, anger and annoyance.

If I wasn't feeling so bad about Sirius, I might have gone immediately to Dumbledore. But I'm still groggy from my nap and not fully awake…also, I'm not prepared to let go of her. Heaving a loud yawn I ask with my eyes half-closed: "What is it?"

"Dumbledore's been looking for you everywhere! Says you two need to talk!" he barks.

Yeah, we did need to talk…urgently…

"And let go of her hand!" he growls over his shoulder as he approaches he open door.

I don't really want to, but my palm is quite sweaty and Mad-Eye isn't someone you can argue with.

As I get up, thinking about how much I need a coffee, Dumbledore walks in.

"Here you are, Remus! I've been searching for you!"

"We all have, as a matter of fact!" Mad-Eye snaps again grumpily before slamming the door after him.

"I'm very sorry for what happened-"he begins, regarding me sadly.

"It's not your fault; you don't have to blame yourself, Professor!" I interrupt, not in the mood to talk about Sirius.

He looks as if he wants to press the subject but decides that he has more urgent matters to discuss. "Anyway," he continues, "I hope you recall what my last letter said and that you have given the assignment a lot of thought."

"Of course I did," I say hurriedly, "And I'll be most willing to help!"

"You have taking in consideration the dangers, haven't you? I don't want you to-"

"I'll be alright, Albus!" I say impatiently. "I just want to make myself useful!"

"You don't consider yourself useless, do you?" for some reason his question reminds me of my talk with Tonks which now seems eons ago.

"No, but I need to stay away from society for everyone safety!" I wish I could take back my words immediately. I hadn't meant to say that. Having Sirius made me want to unburden myself and now that he's not here anymore, I've started babbling out my thoughts. 'Thanks, Padfoot!' I think.

"By 'society' you mean Nymphadora, don't you?" his eyes start twinkling with mischief.

How could he possibly know? I get all panicky but manage to avoid the question. "Don't call her Nymphadora!" I mumble embarrassed. "Anyway, I thought you wanted me to do this? Are you suggesting that I back off?"

"Of course, it would be nice for you to do this, but I don't want you to put yourself in danger just to stay away from her…"

I want to tell him that he's contradicting himself, that my relationship with Tonks is none of his business, that Sirius is dead and I don't have time for such circular arguments, that I've already made up my mind, but before I get to say anything he cuts me off.

"Not a very good Occlumens, are you, Remus?"

I smile as bitterly as I can, trying to remind myself what this man has done for me and that I have no right to be angry with him.

"Maybe not, but what does it matter?"

"It matters because I was under the impression that you love her and I don't need Leglimency to see that," his tone is much softer, which irritates me a lot.

"I do love her and that is exactly the reason why I need to let her go! The more I stay with her, the more I want to be with her and we both know this can't happen!" I silently shout, being angry with myself at the same time because this is Dumbledore.

"Why is that?" he asks with an unnerving calm.

"Why?" I can't believe he actually asked that. "I'll give you a thousand reasons why! I'm way too poor, old and dangerous and I want her to find someone who actually deserves her!" I pause to gather myself. "I'll await further instructions on the mission that I've been assigned with." I told him calmly and coldly before leaving the room in a hurry.

Tonks' POV

I would have preferred being beat up by Bellatrix all over again than hear those words that kept slicing at my heart. I try to remind myself that he's just being sensible, but the knowledge of the danger he's putting himself in for me. As soon as Dumbledore leaves I bite into my pillow to calm myself but the tears keep pouring down my face and I sob onto the hospital bed sheets. No one has ever loved me so to the point of letting me go to protect me.

"Tonks are you ok?" a warm voice says and I recognize it as Molly's. I don't lift my head of the pillow while answering her. "Yeah, I'm fine!"

"Dora, you've slept all day and the Healers need to see you!" my mom says quietly, massaging my back.

I decide I have to get up and my parents and Molly gasp at seeing my face raw from crying.

"What's the matter, honey? Why have you been crying?" my protective dad asks, more scared than worried.

"It's…well…Sirius is dead because of me!" I say after some quick thinking.

"What do you mean?" Molly's a bit circumspect as always.

"If only I'd finished Bellatrix first!" I add a forced sob to make my story viable. I know perfectly well it's not my fault although I have felt a bit guilty.

"Survivor's guilt!" dad mutters warmly, pulling me into a hug.

After they've all said their good-byes realizing that the Healers should be in any moment, Molly turns and whispers into my ear.

"It's not Sirius or Bellatrix, is it?"

My lips form the quietest 'no', but she catches it. "Remus, right?" she continues. My answer is a strangled sob, and she gives me a small, smoothening kiss on the forehead, helping me calm down and reminding me that I've never cried over boys before.


	7. Chapter 7

Remus's POV

Getting out of Dumbledore's office I see Molly glaring at me with her stare that can liquefy your kidneys. I instantly feel in danger, knowing that she must be angry with me.

"Um, hi, Molly!" I say awkwardly, "What on Earth are you doing here?"

"I happen to be the mother of two children who go to school here!" she snaps, "I think that question should be for you, Remus!"

I have done nothing wrong and her attitude is really starting to put me off. I have enough problems without her yelling at me for no obvious reason.

"I've just been to see the headmaster. In case you haven't noticed I've just emerged from his office!" I reply bitterly.

She raises an eyebrow and looks quizzing at me, as though daring me to say something else nasty.

"Why are you so angry with me!" all I want right now is to get away. She reminds me too much of Tonks and of what has happened. Her making a scene here is the last thing I need.

"What did you do to her?" she says slowly and dangerously, unperturbed by my annoyance.

"What did I do to whom?" I just don't get it! What does she want? I do understand poor Arthur.

"Do you have any idea why Tonks was so depressed when I went to see her?"

When she says her name, a small shiver, which I do my best to ignore, runs down my spine. It takes me a moment before I can reply.

"Depressed? Tonks? Did you just use those two words in the same sentence?" I manage to joke myself out of it, but the truth is that I can't help worrying a bit. This doesn't sound like her at all. Something must have happened.

"She was crying, Remus! Crying!" Molly almost shouts. So this is why she came? Because she was mourning her cousin?

"Well I want to cry after Sirius too; he was my best friend! But I have stuff to do-" I begin annoyed that she's wasting my time and constantly reminding me of what I can never have.

"It was because of you, you idiot! She was crying because of you! What did you do to her?" now she's positively shrieking and probably all of Hogwarts can hear us now.

I can't breath; my brain freezes and all I can think is 'what the hell is going on?'

"I didn't do anything…I didn't say anything…" I say in a whisper, more to myself. Crying because of me? Why would she do that?

"Well something you did or said really upset her. Think about what happened last time you saw her. You might lose her forever." Her tone is much softer now; "You do know how she feels about you, right?" she smiles and walks away, leaving me with my mouth open.

How does she feel about me? When our argument took place for one joyful moment I actually thought she loved me. Then I was too afraid to comfort her about it, thinking it'll just wear off and now this?

My conversation with Dumbledore in the hospital keeps echoing in my mind. But she can't possibly have overheard! And even if she had, does she care that much to actually cry. I rush to the nearest bathroom and splash my face with water.

All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and safe without me. Why is this happening? Tears start brimming my eyes and the thought that I've hurt her is stabbing my heart so hard that I have to lie on the floor for half an hour before I can calm down enough to get out of Hogwarts.


	8. Chapter 8

It's a good thing I've recovered just in time to go and have a talk with Harry's aunt and uncle, along with the others from the Order of the Phoenix. I push the subject of Remus's talk with Dumbledore at the back of my mind. I've decided that I'm not going to let him do this. I know he's been avoiding me and hasn't even bothered to conceal it. We will talk about this! I need the truth…

"Remus, I want a word with you!" I say to him immediately after Harry's departure, holding his gaze.

"N-now?" he looks slightly frightened and as if he plans to run away.

"Yes! Now!" I say firmly and before he has a chance to reply, I grab his hand and pull him into a corner where no one can overhear us. I know I must look confident but my insides are trembling. The truth is, I'm afraid of what he might say. I'm suddenly self-conscious of the fact that I crave his touch immediately after letting go. I also don't know what I should say. We finally have a chance to talk; just the two of us, and yet I don't know where to start.

"Well," he says raising an eyebrow, looking as though he's stifling a smile.

I take a deep breath and voice the very thing that has been bothering me these last few weeks.

"What mission are you planning to go on in order to avoid me?"

His face instantly drains of color; his jaw falls open in surprise and horror. He staggers back, bumping into the wall and staring at me as if it's the first time he sees me. I struggle to keep a controlled voice and say, looking him in the eye:

"Answer me! Please! Truthfully!"

Remus's POV:

She did overhear! I'd been praying for it to not be true, and now I have to face her. I'd rather go into battle all over again then being put in this situation. I have no idea what to say. Her eyes are boring into mine and silently pleading me to explain.

"Mission? What mission?" I say in a croaky voice.

Suddenly her eyes brim with tears and the sight is worse than I punch in the guts. I can't lie… not to her! But I'm too afraid to admit the truth. I look away, because her gaze keeps reminding me that whatever I do I can't stop loving her. She quickly grabs my arm and blood starts pulsing ten times faster through my veins.

"I need to know!" her voice is trembling.

"Dumbledore need a spy for the werewolves, them being on Voldemort's side and everything and I'm the best for the job." I blubber as quickly as I can, still refusing to look at her.

I hear her gasp and the pressure of her hand on me is released. Without meaning to I turn around to face her. She's gone pale, her eyes wide open in disbelief.

Tonks's POV:

My heart begins aching with pain upon hearing those words. He's actually going to live with them! Just to get away from me; to stop loving me! I would have punched him right away if I wasn't so shocked at the news. I hadn't expected it to be anywhere near this dangerous. He is literally risking his life.

"You're to live with them!" I can't manage to hide my fear.

He eyes me sadly with an expression I can't make out properly. "It's no big deal; I'm one of them anyway!" he says with resignation.

"They're working for You-Know-Who!"

"Look, Dumbledore wanted a spy and here I am ready-made! It's not like I can refuse the job!" it seems as if every word he says pains him. He starts turning away to leave and a thought suddenly occurs to me.

"Is Greyback there too?" I shout after him.

He stops in his tracks. "Who?"

I roll my eyes. As if he didn't know who I meant. "Fenir Greyback, the one who bit you and basically ruined your life. Are you going to spy him and put yourself in mortal danger because of him?"

"Well when you put it like that…" he mutters staring at the floor.

"How else am I supposed to put it?" I almost shout.

"I've already told you, Dumbledore-"he begins slowly as if explaining to a kid that two plus two make four.

"This isn't about Dumbledore, is it?" I snap, actually raising my voice this time, "You merely asked for a dangerous mission that would take you away from me, because you'd rather risk your life than admit your feelings for me!"

"Look, Tonks, I didn't-"he starts, shacking with nervousness.

"Don't lie to me!" I burst out.

A horrid silence follows in which sadness and distress cloud his face. I'm still glaring angrily at him.

"How much did you hear?" he finally asks.

"Everything,"

"Then I guess I can't deny that I love you any more…"

"No,"

Remus's POV:

I take a long look at her and realize how much I've truly come to love her; how I'd cherish her if only circumstances were different. I unconsciously take a step forward. It hits me that I need her. Whenever she's with me I feel complete; I feel happy. I want her to be mine…but more than that I want her to be safe; and that's not with me.

I realize just in time how close I've come to her and back away quickly, startling her.

"But I stand by what I told Dumbledore. You're a lovely woman, Tonks and you can have anyone you want. I…have nothing to offer you." I say meeting her eyes.

"But what if I don't care!" she snaps, "What if all I want is you?"

I shake my head trembling even before she finishes what she has to say. This is exactly the last thing I want to hear right now. I force myself to act sensible for both our sakes.

" _I_ care, Tonks! _I_ care! I don't deserve you! I can't afford to put you in danger no matter how much I want to be with you! I never wanted you to feel anything for me and I'm truly sorry that it has come to this!" it hurst so much having to say this. Why can't she just let it go!

"You're a coward you know!" she shouts, seeing me trying to leave. "You're afraid of-"

"Hurting you? Yes! And I'm not a coward; just being sensible!" I shout back, "Unlike you!"

"So you prefer going on some dangerous mission with those…those beasts? How do you call that ? I call it stupid nobility!"

"You do realize that you've just called me a beast?" I am so fed up with this circular conversation; I don't want her to point out that I may be wrong.

"Not you," she says impatiently, "Greyback and the others! You just don't realize that you're not like them! You're kind, and loving and you're on the right side. You're different! Let me help you you!" she's stopped shouting and is now almost pleading.

"Apparently, on full moon we're the same murderous monsters and that's all that matters, despite of what you think! I can't find a proper job because of this, or establish a family or be with the woman I love! I'm a social and physical danger!" tears burn my eyelids while saying something I'd never planned to tell anyone.

"I've already told you that I don't care-"she begins angrily.

But I've had enough. She's only making me feel guilty and I can't go back on my decision, nor find any other arguments to convince her to drop it.

"You deserve someone young and whole and that's it!" I walk quickly away, not trusting myself to look back. I've hurt her. Again. But what matters is that she'll be safe. From me.


	9. Chapter 9

Tonks's POV:

He actually went there! The bastard actually went to spy on the werewolves just to get away from me. At first, I couldn't believe it! Then I kept telling myself that he's just being sensible. I even convinced myself I hated him. Nothing could easy the pain and worry.

I'm staring glumly at the cup of tea Molly has made for me. I know what she's doing. Trying to get us in her house at the same time. At first, I thought it a pretty good idea but we ended up having the same argument over and over again. I've started avoiding him too.

The distance that has come between us is pressing constantly upon me. I find it hard to go on important missions, because all I can think about is whether he's all right. Constantly worrying about his safety I don't notice that my Patronus has changed until Arthur points it out and I blush deeply and shrug.

I'm so thankful that I got to watch over the school. I can't concentrate enough in order to get real work done.

Remus's POV:

The mission has proved itself to be more difficult than I'd have ever imagined. There is no way I can earn their trust. Not with Greyback around, in any case.

I'm genuinely frightened of him. He can kill me anytime, I can feel him suspecting me. I guess he's just biding his time.

Dumbledore said he understood the risk and that I was free to come back if I felt I was in real danger. When I asked, he didn't deny that he'd planned our little conversation in the hospital to be overheard by Tonks.

"I thought you said you needed a spy? Are you telling me to back out now?" I asked confused. I just didn't get him.

He shrugged and replied, "What I really need is to see that there is still love left in this world,"

Half the time I've been spending with these awful creatures in the dark, I've been thinking of her. I thought that if we were separated this mess-up will just fix itself. I couldn't have been more wrong. I miss her. Dreadfully. I miss the way her eyes twinkle with mischief, the way she laughs at my jokes, the way she's always accepted and comforted me about what I am. But what I miss most of all is her being with me. I could always rely on her, even when I felt most miserable.

It takes a huge amount of self-control to focus on gaining the other werewolves trust. I'm still surprised that I'm not dead. Occasionally, I actually consider giving up and just being with her. But I remind myself that I'm doing this for her and ignore her voice in my head that keep shouting 'I don't care'.

"What's wrong with you, Lupin?" a mean and treacherous voice behind me growls. I curse myself for letting my thought wander while starting at the fire. "You seem…" Greyback pauses and smiles malevolently "troubled."

My heart thumping hard, sensing the suspicion in his voice I open my mouth quickly to tell him something, anything, even though I'm sure he won't believe it.

"Don't tell me!" he suddenly adds and I raise a quizzing eyebrow trying not to show my anxiety. "It's hard for you to…accommodate. You miss your family and you with Death Eaters wouldn't bring so many apart. After all this time, after all you've seen , you still disagree with our…how shall I put it…wish to contaminate people!" he sneers in a mock-concerned voice that sends chills down my spine, although I'm literally in front of a burning fire. "Enough excuses!" he growls, now speaking slowly and giving me a glare full of loathing. " I want the truth!'

"This is the truth, Fenir!" I say mildly, "Pity you just can't understand it!"

"You think yourself so clever, do you, Lupin!" he mutters in my ear, "I know what you're actually doing! I know who you're actually working for! And you know why I haven't killed you yet?" he makes a meaningful pause in which I say nothing. "To lure you into false security, false hope. But I will be watching you, Lupin! Day and night…night and day…" his tone is horrible, but I stay put.

"You do that!" I tell him as calmly as I can. Only now I'm not frightened of him anymore. I'm angry because he ruined my life; took away so much from me. And I am going to get him before he gets me.

Tonks's POV:

I hear Mom shouting at me from downstairs to help her with the Christmas decorations, but I feel no wish to move. I've lost the desire to do anything but lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I know I'm being stupid. He's being stupider. How he's going to get to the Burrow without arising suspicion, I don't know. Molly invited me too, but I just don't have the nerve to face him.

All I want this Christmas is to be left alone, but just as I'm thing that, Mom starts banging on my door, telling me to move my lazy ass downstairs. Thinking of Remus I tell her that I'm on my time of the month. She asks if I've been on my time of the month for three months. I say probably and she says that I can go without dinner tonight.

"Fine!" I say

"Fine!" she replies.

Well, I've got my wish. I'm alone. I realize that's not really what I'd wanted. All I ever wanted was him.

Remus's POV:

"Tonks's Patronus has changed. It was big and had four legs. Hey-do you think it might be-" Those innocent words took what was left of my will to live out of me. My head began hurting and remorse filled my heart. Why can't she just give up on me? Harry's eager and concerned face has remained seared into my memory. I tried to act natural, slowly chewing on my turkey, but I've been in a daze ever since.

After Christmas dinner, I rush straight into the garage, the only place I know for sure I will be alone. I slump down and stare at the ceiling. Her Patronus is me! I'd never though it was possible. Does she love me that much? Why can't she just understand the situation? She's acting the victim, thinking that I'm not suffering too! Molly's mean glances and stares make it a thousand times worse.

I remember how amazing last Christmas was. Did we have to fall in love and ruin everything? What have I ever done to deserve this?

"Um, Remus…can we talk?" I hear Arthur's voice. Closing my eyes I reply with "Now?", because I know all too well what's following and am in no mood to hear it again.

"I know what's happening between you and Tonks and-"

"There's nothing between Tonks and I!" I snap, unnecessarily sharp, " Never has, never will be!"

"Saying it won't make it true, mate!" he says sadly, which irritates me even more.

"I don't know what Molly has told you, but-"

"Enough to know that you're being stupid" his bluntness takes me by surprise.

"No, I'm being sensible, even if it's breaking my heart! Why does nobody get that?" I can't believe I'm actually shouting to the man who made space for me in his humble home just so I won't be alone for Christmas.

"Because, Remus if you don't wake up soon enough, you'll lose her forever!"

"That's what Molly said too, but neither of you get it, do you? That's what I want! To lose her so that she'll be safe!" it takes everything in me not to leave, slamming the door.

"That's not what you want believe me!" he looks me in the eyes sympathetically.

I heave an annoyed sigh. Great, everyone knows what I want, but me!

"I came to tell you that you're making a huge mistake! You must stay close to the ones you love, expecially in times like this, not block everyone away-"

I raise my hand, both to stop him and to hide my tears. "Stop it, please! I'm begging you!" I can't stand any more lectures from him, Molly or Tonks. I know what I'm doing.

"Do as you want, just please don't forget what I said!" he shrugs looking at me with pity.

As if I ever can forget.


	10. Chapter 10

Tonks's POV:

I'm watching the spring breeze sadly, while on duty outside Hogwarts. It's been a long time since I've heard from him and it's beginning to worry me.

"These times are mad!" I hear Diggle shout from behind, but I give him no attention whatsoever. Instead, I get up and walk over to the coffee table. As if in a trance, I start pouring some in a mug, and wish he'd shut up.

"I mean all these horrible rumors!" Diggle continues blabbing on, not noticing my lack of interest.

"Such as?" I ask lazily, lifting the mug.

He gives me a strange look as if he hadn't expected me ask or to notice him at all.

"Such as Greyback attacking and killing someone. You know, they don't usually kill, just bite-"

My grip on that mug loosens and it falls, shattering. It takes me a few moments to fully register those words. I stagger backwards and Diggle steadies me.

"Are you-" he begins concerned. I quickly weasel out of his grasp. I'm not comfortable with other men touching me anymore.

"I need to see Dumbledore! Could you hold my place-won't be long?" I mumble quickly and dash off, before giving him the chance to say anything.

On my way to the castle I try to stay focused, but I'm panicking on the inside. It could have been him! I'm almost certain it was him! He's practically living with them, and from what I've caught from the others, Greyback suspects him. Guilt swells up in me and I tell myself that until confirmed by Dumbledore, it is merely a rumor.

When I reach his office, panting and slightly out of breath, I have a sinking feeling plummeting in my stomach. He's not here. I can't live in this apprehention and worry any longer. I feel I'm going mad. I stumble through the corridors and meet the last person I'd expected to see.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asks.

"I came to see Dumbledore, but he's just not-"

"Hey-you don't know where he goes, do you?"

"No," I say, much too harshly. I hate being reminded that I know less and less of everyone nowadays.

"What did you want to see him about?"

If the situation were different, I would have appreciated and admired his curiosity, but now I just need to get away, to find out what has happened to him.

"Nothing in particular…just heard rumors…people getting hurt…" I mutter, thinking hard to whom I can turn now. I'm vaguely aware of Harry saying something, but I tune it out, not meaning to. Then an idea strikes.

"You haven't heard from anyone in the Order recently, have you?" if Remus has written to someone, it most certainly is Harry. But his answers is a disappointment and I can't help shedding a few tears. I can't lose him; not like this.

Remus's POV:

"Well, um…unless you need me for anything else, I should be going" Tonks mumbles, her face set. There is a collective sound of 'All right' and 'See you later'. She turns, coming face to face with me and there is an awkward heart-warming moment when we stare at one another. Then she pushes past with a small 'Excuse me, Remus'. After she's left my eyes remain glued to the hospital-ward door.

Being back at Hogwarts has brought a lot of memories, both good and bad. And now, in the aftermath of the fight, Dumbledore's death and Snape revealed to be a traitor I'm in a dizzy state as if all this is a dream. I feel I must go after her. Being next to her after such a long time has done me well, even though she's been cold and distant.

"I'll let you to your family reunion." I tell the others, walking towards the exit.

"Go after her, Remus," a voice says, and I turn around, without any comeback prepared and am quite surprised to see that it is neither Molly, nor Arthur who has spoken. It is Bill. "You'll never find anyone like her to support you and love you despite everything, like my Fleur does."

I open my mouth, but he's begun snogging his fiancée so I shrug and walk out, trying hard not to slam the door.

I hear distant footsteps and follow then, a voice in my head telling me I'm doing the wrong thing.

I eventually find her huddled up next to a tree at the entrance to the Forbidden Forest. I slowly make my way to her, apparently unobserved.

"Hey!" I say stupidly, again asking myself why I'm doing this. I've gone looking for after avoiding her for so long.

"I knew you'd come," she says quietly, not looking at me. Another silence passes between us in which she stares into space, looking like she'd give anything to cry but has already spent all her tears. "Dumbledore dead," she eventually says, more to herself, "What are we going to do?"

"I-I…really don't know!" I congratulate myself for continuing to act stupid. I might as well leave, but I find my feet glued to the ground, unable to get away from her.

She finally turns towards me, with a glum expression.

"You reacted pretty nasty." She pauses before adding, "I've never seen you lose control…"

I smile bitterly. "Well, you haven't seen me at full moon either." I regret it the instant it comes out of my mouth.

Her expression hardens and I suddenly realize that in my wish to protect her, I've made her suffer. She isn't the same cheerful witch I met roughly a year ago. Her hair has gone mousy brown and her Patronus is now a werewolf. I wish we'd just remained friends...

"I didn't mean..." I try desperately to repair my mistake, but she cuts in angrily.

"I know perfectly well what you meant. And you know what?" Her angry eyes are boring into mine. There's no way I couldn't have fallen for her. "Unless you stop pushing people away from you, your life is going to more miserable than you already think it is. I love you, Remus!"

My heart bumps in my neck and I silently plead for her to stop, the same time a feeling of glowing taking hold of me. I've never felt so torn in my life...this is killing me.

"I love you unlike I've ever loved any man...and believe me there have been a ton. When that kid was murdered my Greyback my first thought went to you. If something had happened to you, I could have never lived with myself."

I start shaking my head, my eyes brimming with tears. I want her...I need her...and yet we both know the costs. She is willing to pay them but I'm not willing to let her.

She sees me silently crying and unable to speak and she understands. Nodding slowly she gulps and says

"I can't go on like this. I keep pulling out to you and you keep pushing me away. I'll make you a deal."

I look up sharply. Her lower lip is trembling.

"I'll promise that I'll stop trying to reach you, because honestly it's become exhausting if you promise you won't endanger yourself just to get away from me." her voice is cracking and I know this decision is breaking her heart.

"I promise" i say in slightly more than a whisper and she gives a silent sob and a sad smile.

"Goodbye, Remus," she comes closer and plants a soft kiss on my cheek. Then she slowly walks away and i stand there, shivers still tingling my entire body. She grows smaller and smaller and it finally hits me why I've come after her. I've though for so long that if I lose her it'll be best for both of us. But Arthur and Molly were right. That's not what I really want. What I want is her. Her smile, her touch, her kisses, her support. I can't lose her too.

I've been taking long strands to catch up with her without knowing what I was doing. She's driving me mad; she's making me stop thinking properly. I'm soon besides her and without thinking it through, as if someone else is controlling me I grab her hand and turn her roughly towards me. I only get a glance at her surprised face before pressing my lips hard on hers.


	11. Chapter 11

Tonks's POV:

I try really hard not to burst into tears as I walk away. After reaching out to him for so long and constantly getting pushed away, I've given up on him. On us.

Suddenly, someone grabs my hand. For one fleeting second I think a Death Eater has come back and even consider bringing out my wand. But then, I recognize his touch and wonder why the hell he's come after me. He pulls me around and I stare blankly at him. He doesn't say anything. Instead he does the last thing I'd expected him to. He kisses me.

He kisses me as if this is the end of the world and we're the only two people left. Everything stops and nothing else matters except him. Almost unconsciously I wrap my free arm around his next and pull him closer. He senses that and presses me against him, taking me in. I have no idea how long we stay like that, only that it's incredibly smoothening after all we've been through and my heart is beating like crazy.

Just as suddenly, he breaks away gasping for air. His face is red and genuinely looks happy, a smile forming itself. I realize that I too am breathing heavily.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that about?" I say and he starts laughing like a maniac.

"I'm an idiot!" he says between barks of laughter. We're still in a semi-embrace. "All this time I've though that if I truly love you, I have to lose you for you to be safe and happy. But only when you agreed to give up, I realized that I can't lose you too!" he's now dead serious (sorry for the unintended pun, guys) and close to tears.

I open my mouth to comfort him, but he silences me by pressing another, more passionate kiss on me. "I love you!" he says afterwards, avoiding me eyes.

For the first time that day I smile. "I know!"

I get on tiptoe for another kiss, but he leaves me hanging, "Did you just make a Star Wars reference?" he asked giving me a strange look. I grin mischievously and shrug.

"You're amazing!" and he suddenly lifts me and starts spinning me around and we both start giggling like high-school kids. We reach in and our lips collide once more, both trying to get the most of the other.

Remus's POV:

Every time we kiss my heart feels ten times lighter and I swear I can fly. I've never felt like this before in my life. Happiness like no other floods me and I am truly at ease with her in my arms, with our lips colliding and us giggling like little kids. Who'd have thought that about an hour ago we'd been grieving over Dumbledore. Then I crush horribly hard back to reality and I pull away slowly. I glance over Tonks's shoulder and for once I actually see Minerva McGonagall smiling. Tonks follows my gaze and flustered squeezes herself out of my grip.

"Professor-" I being, feeling fifteen once more and caught out of bed along with James and Sirius and that filthy little traitor.

"I put a bet with the Weasleys." She begins, still utterly amused. "They owe me ten Galleons."

I decide I really don't want to know what the bet was about and apparently neither was Tonks. We share a look of puzzlement.

"Permit me to say that Dumbledore would be happier than anyone to see that there is still love left in this world." She says on a glummer note and I can't help feeling a bit deflated knowing what he'd told me only months ago. "Also, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but Mad-Eye is having a meeting at HQ and we must all be there. I've already told him I'm too busy with the Ministry officials." She adds "Bastards" under her breath..

"Sure, right! We'll be there immediately!" Tonks says briskly. "Come on!"

She begins walking to the outskirts of Hogwarts to be able to Apparate and I jog to keep up. Our hands find each other and I guess I must be as red as her, maybe even redder.

"Finally!" someone shouts in my ear. Then Mad-Eye grabs my hand and literally drags me into the basement where he pushes me into a chair. Did he really have to separate me from her?

Out of the corner of my eye I see her sit down at the other side of the table. Her face is blank and unreadable. She catches my eyes and gives me the tiniest of smiles.

"So" begins Mad-Eye on a strained tone "Is everyone here NOW?" He gives me an ugly stare.

As on cue, the Weasleys come in and he screams in rage. We all look at him confused; he's losing it.

"What. Kept. You? What part of urgent meeting don't you understand?" He growls

"Excuse us, Alastor, but our son-" Molly begins, teeth gritted.

"Actually now that I think about it, it doesn't really matter." He waves her away. "Just sit down, will you?" They hastily do and Mad-Eye opens his mouth but is interrupted by none other than dear Tonks.

"Mad-Eye, will you please calm down! Their son has just been attacked by a werewolf!" She's calm but i sense anger in her voice. She's the only one who would have dared tell him off.

"Not full moon! Not! My! Problem!" He starts shouting again, accompaged by Mrs Black's screams from the entrance hall. A few people bustle out to shut her up. " Dumbledore has just been brutally murdered by none other than Severus Snape; the person we've all trusted on his account. And guess what? Now he fucking knows the location of the Headquarter because we've all become Secret Keepers now! We have to clear everything out, put protection spells all over AND QUICKLY! Because he can come over anytime with a full squad of Death Eaters! Everyone is late, and you, missy, are telling me to CALM! DOWN " he continues at the top of his voice. An eerie silence follows in which the others return quietly getting a death stare from Moody. We all realize how vital it is to clear the place out.

"I'm just saying I'd be nicer if you quit shouting at us", Tonks mumbles more to herself.

Mad-Eye raises a finger at her opens his mouth, then decides that he's losing too much precious time so he turns to the rest of us.

"Right, here's what we have to do!"

Tonks's POV:

It's been five long hours in which we've hurried around clearing the place out, nervous that Snape might turn up anytime. Surprisingly he doesn't. Mad-Eye has made a strict schedule for us all and he seems to be doing his best to keep Remus and I as far away as possible from each other. I can feel him trying to catch my eye multiple times and smile at the thought.

I am in no mood to go home, so I volunteer to stay guard. I am positioning myself against the wall when I hear a shuffling noise behind me. I react quickly. Jumping around, I pull out my wand and find myself facing Remus. That giddy warm feeling I get around him comes back. When I don't lower my wand immediately, he grins and says.

"I'm not an impostor. If you want, I can declare myself"

"An impostor probably wouldn't say that so I'll believe you anyway" I smile and he steals a kiss.

"Never thought kissing would feel this good" he says massaging my chin.

"Depends whether you're kissing the right person." I tell him.

"And are you?"

In response I get on tiptoe and press my lips onto his.

"I've brought you Butterbeer!" He says awkwardly.

"Thanks a million! I really needed something warm" I grab the pint from him and while sipping on it, I feel something on my shoulders. Looking around I see him draping his shaggy cloak over me.

"Better?" He whispers.

I nod appreciatively and slide down onto the sleeping bag I put out. He settles himself next to me and I lean onto him.


	12. Chapter 12

Remus's POV:

"Rise and shine, lovebirds!" I vaguely hear Mad-Eye's voice, and it's so sudden and so harsh that we both jump.

Tonks's half-full can of Butterbeer flies in the air and lands on him, soaking him all over. She covers her mouth to hide her smile and disguising her snort as a gasp of shock. He looks so furious; my grin dies before even forming.

"Oh, Alastor, I'm so sorry!" Tonks says and it's obvious she's doing her best to hide her laughter.

"Great job, Nymphadora! An excellent levitation spell! If only you'd used it in better situations…" he says sarcastically.

She's so pleased with herself and amused that she doesn't seem to mind the usage of her first name. Beaming she shrugs. "Learnt from the best! Also, just so you know, I really don't appreciate being awaken like that…"

"Right, princess! As if intruders would have awaken you with a violin concert!" he mumbles nastily and suddenly turns to me. I gulp noisily and Tonks bursts out laughing.

"Never though I'd say this, but you're a bad influence, Lupin."

I raise my eyebrow, but don't comment. We get up, Tonks still smiling. "We both know I'm the bad influence, Mad-Eye!"

"Here are your lists of tasks," he gets to the subject, shoving us each a parchment. "I figured out you might be little more cooperative if you were working together. Prove me that I was right." He leaves us, grumpier than ever.

"Good morning to you too, Alastor!" Tonks shouts after him, smiling bitterly.

As soon as he's out of sight, I let out the laughter I've held in for a few good minutes.

"How come you're the only one who can afford to jest with him?" I ask, while surveying my list.

"I have a special something that both of you appreciate in me." She says slyly.

I pretend to think hard, "Umm…you're really hot?"

She snorts, "I didn't think you were the kind of person who uses the word 'hot'."

"I'm not, but you're a bad influence…" I start towards open gate. "Also, I liked you hair pink." I mumble, taking her hand.

She screws up her face in concentration, bringing back the bubble-gum pink which fits her way better. "Hoped you'd say that."

Tonks's POV:

As soon as I Apparate a long way outside Hogwarts grounds I see him looking out for me, a worried expression on his face. Without a word, he opens his arms and I walk straight into them, searching comfort.

"How are you?" he asks quietly.

"It's Dumbledore's funeral. How can I be?" the truth is that I feel horrible.

"I'd try to reassure you if I weren't feeling awful myself," he says playing with my hair. "I'm not even sure if I want to be here after all…"

"We must be, even if it makes the loss worse. We owe it to him!" I say sternly.

"Yeah, you're right," he takes a long pause in which he seems to be deciding on saying something. Finally he voices, "So…um…are your parents coming too?" in which what he means to be a casual tone, but I sense his anxiousness.

"Well, yeah, they knew Dumbledore," I say grinning slightly at his restlessness.

"I see." He whispers, staring at a distant spot over my shoulder.

"They won't bite, Remus!" I say, amused, although I'm not entirely sure what their reaction will be when I tell them about him. Even if I'd wanted to, these days I hardly ever spent time at home.

"Maybe they'll think that I'll bite them." He says more to himself and I roll my eyes pointedly at him. "Was that a joke, or are you being ironic?" when he doesn't answer, I add, "Look, my parents aren't like that-"

"Tonks, I'm convinced they are wonderful people but no one in their right mind would want their daughter to be with someone like me."

I open my mouth angrily, not in the mood to start this discussion all over again, but he shuts me up, by a small kiss. Taking my hand, he guides me silently towards the ceremony.

As soon as I see Dumbledore's tomb, the pain of losing him comes back all over again. It's much worse for Remus; he's crying before it's even started. I put my head on his shoulder and squeeze his hand.

When it's over and people are starting to file out, he turns me to him and says in a painful voice:  
"Everyone I've ever loved, except maybe Harry, is dead. I can't stand it if I lose you too."

"You won't, Remus, I promise!" I give him an encouraging smile.

"This funeral made me realize that there's a war going on and I'm not sure how much time I have left, but I can't die without doing this."

I feel there's something I'm missing out here…He takes a deep breath and asks in a trembling voice

"Will you marry me?"

Remus's POV:

Why on Earth did I just say that? I should not have said that! I should not have said that! What made me? She stares at me in disbelief and shock. I let go of her hand.

"Remus, I-" he begins, but I hold up a hand.

"No, wait! Let me finish! I'm sorry that I said that! I know I probably shouldn't have. Nobody sensible would marry me. No family will accept me. If I've learnt anything from living with Greyback it's that werewolves are seen as filth these days. I don't want to make you an outcast. I have nothing to offer you except my love. But I would have never forgiven myself if I'd died without proposing to the love of my life."

She throws herself into my arms, not saying another word. I don't quite get when she's sobbing on my shoulder. What have I done?

"I'm sorry if I've said anything that upset you…" I say a bit scared.

She pulls away and, surprisingly, smiles at me.

"Of course I'll marry you! What makes you think I won't?"

"Um; everything listed above?" there's something wrong here. She can't possibly have said yes! It's absurd!

She snorts and gets up suddenly, making me drop my bag. Half of the people there have left and yet I haven't met up with her parents. Clearly annoyed she walks towards the forest. I catch up with her around the place we'd kissed for the first time and we both know it. She keeps on walking.

"Will you stop for a minute and tell me what-" I begin, and she stops so suddenly I run into her.

"You still don't get it, do you? After all that has happened you still don't understand?"

"Understand what?" I ask exasperated.

"You think I'm not perfectly aware of what you are? Of what society thinks of you? Of the dangers of marrying you? Do you think I'm really that stupid? Actually-don't answer!" she glares at me. "When will you understand it's just you I want and that I can live with the rest?"

"I have understood that…sort of… " I speak slowly, not even believing myself. "I'm just afraid to accept what it means. If I dread something more than losing you it's putting you in danger and so my reluctance to start this relationship." I really don't want to start the argument again. Now that I've become accustomed to being with her I can't imagine my life differently. "But now I get that you don't need protection; you're tougher than I thought. And the one thing I can offer you is my love and the promise that I'll cherish you as long as I live."

Again, she rolls her eyes and looks at me with amusement. For the first time, I'm 100% sure of what I want and that is her.

"Soo…was that a yes?" I grin mischievously.

She gets closer and presses her lips onto mine as an answer. I know there will always be a part of me that will worry constantly about what our union might mean, but right now it has vanished.

"Dora? Where are you? We're going home!"

I pull away suddenly at the sound, heart beating quickly. I can't do this; not now! I can't face them right after Dumbledore's funeral and tell them I want to make their daughter an outcast.

"I really should go! See you later!" I mumble quickly and kiss her on the cheek. "I love you, you know that, right?" I dart away before she has the chance to reply. I pretend I don't hear her call after me.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Tonks's POV:  
"Why do I get the impression you're hiding something from us?" Mom asks skeptically.

I haven't said anything about Remus since they've caught up with me at the funeral. They were late, so couldn't get proper seats and apparently they haven't seen us. But now the questions have come and I don't know how to answer them.

"Maybe because I am," I snap back.

Everything inside me urges to tell them, and yet I can't seem to form the words. I'm still thinking about what Remus said. That werewolves are seen as filth these days and that no family would accept him. I'm afraid of their reaction. What if they freak out?  
"Are you planning on telling us? You know, anytime soon!" Dad shouts from the kitchen.

I haven't forgotten about how Mom betrayed her family in marrying Dad. If there's anyone who should understand me, it's definitely them. But one thing is a Muggle-born and another is a supposedly dangerous and unemployed werewolf.

"Well, I'm trying to, but I can't!" I tell the floor. "I'm not ready; I'm sorry!"  
"We're your parents, Dora! What have we ever done to make you think we don't deserve our trust?" the disappointment in her voice hurts me more than any amount of shouting would have.

"Please don't make me feel guilty about my decision, ok? I have my reasons; please try and understand me!" and before either of them can say anything, I walk briskly upstairs.

Remus's POV:

"So, let me get this straight!" I begin, trying hard not to laugh. "You didn't tell them anything about me?"

We are at the Burrow, the new HQ. Right now, all there is to do is help Molly with organization, so we can afford to have some time to talk things over.

"Well, not yet," she says nervously, avoiding my eyes. "But obviously I will eventually when I'm rea- What's so funny?" she suddenly shouts.

I've unconsciously burst out laughing but stop instantly when I see her expression.

"Sorry, but it just amuses me when you agree with me, despite everything you've convinced me about. Deep down you know that they'll never accept me!" I try to seem amused, but it actually hurts.

"It's not that! I just didn't think it wise to go on telling them I'm engaged to someone they don't even know!" she says on a tone that seems forced.

"Something tells me you you're lying!" I tell her suspicious.

"Fine, I have no idea how they'll react! Happy?" she snaps. "But just so you know, whatever they say, I'll still marry you."

I smile weakly. I don't know if that thought makes me feel better or worse. Almost instantly, Molly bursts into the room, beaming.

"Oh, you're finally getting married!" she squeals, obviously delighted, giving us each a rib-breaking hug. "Arthur and I had a bet when I'd happen. He said after our son's wedding and I said before. I WON, ARTHUR!" she shouts over her shoulder to her husband.

Tonks giggles and I roll my eyes.

"How many more bets about us are there?" I say sarcastically a pause a bit before adding "You weren't…spying on us, were you Molly?"

"Do you really think me capable of doing such a thing? I just happened to be passiong by…" she pretends to be hurt that I'd considered that.

"Of course, Molly! We know you'd never eavesdrop ….unless you were very curious and you were, right?" Tonks asks slyly.

She just grinned in return, then clears her throat. "So what were you planning for the wedding?" I get spared having to reply by the entrance of Arthur and Kingsley.

"Tonks, we need to get to work! It's already a bit late." Arthur says concerned.

"They're getting married!" Molly blurts out.

"Coming," Tonks tells them, picks up her card and puts an arm around me. I hold her while listening to the others fuss over our wedding.

"See you," she whispers as we let go, planting a kiss on my cheek.

"A bit of privacy here?" I say annoyed as she giggles, bids Molly good-bye and takes leave.

As soon as they're out of the room, I collapse into a chair and sigh heavily in exasperation.

"Molly, am I doing the right thing?" I ask. "I hate endangering her because of what I am and yet I love her too much to die without marrying her…But she hasn't even told her parents about me because we both know they'd never accept me! They'll be disgusted by me!"

Molly gives me a small sympathetic smile. "She knows all that and she still loves you. Don't give up on that!"

"I need her!" I whisper.

"Then you are doing the right thing. Ever since you two got together, she's been happier than all year when you kept pushing her away in order to 'protect' her. I know you'd rather she's happy and she has found that happiness….with you!"

"Thanks a million!" I say, slightly more comforted.

"But do be careful, thought! Death Eaters might be after you…" she ads concerned.

Tonks's POV:

I take a deep breath, more anxious than ever. The time has come to face them. I glance at my reflection in the mirror. I haven't worn this dress in such a long time. I smile to myself. I never imagined I'd get married in it. I never imagined I'd get married to an outcast in a secret ceremony and that I'd be afraid to tell my own parents. I make my hair gold to match the satin dress. I go downstairs to find my parents eagerly waiting for me. They both have concerned looks on their faces.

"Just when were you planning on letting us know about…your plans?" Dad asks almost casually.

I gulp. So they know. I'm not even going to ask how. I try to guess by the expressions they're wearing exactly how angry or disappointed they are and how much they disapprove, but I'm too nervous to think properly. Remus may turn up any moment now and I'm afraid he'll back off if they do anything rash.

"Your father asked you a question young lady! Don't you think we ought to know when you're getting married and more importantly with whom?" For the first time, Mom actually looks angry. I see Dad frowning behind her.

"Why have you been spying on me?" I ask, my voice cracking a bit.

"That's right, avoid the question! Then go on and marry in secret! We won't stop you!" Mom continues snapping.

"I wanted to tell you. I was just really afraid that you wouldn't accept him."

"Obviously we wouldn't! Have you any idea of the danger you're putting yourself into?" Dad says slowly. His tone shows hurt and I'd rather he started yelling.

"You know what this reminds me of?" I say softly, "Your marriage,"

They both start ranting about how it isn't the same thing.

"Of course it isn't! You aren't as prejudicial as the Blacks. I genuinely thought you, of all people, should understand!" I finally find the nerve to snap back.

"Honey," Mom says in a much softer and kinder voice, "We have nothing against werewolves and Lupin seems a nice guy, putting aside the fact that he's 13 years older. But he's the only werewolf who's not in league with You-Know-Who and that makes him a target for all Death Eaters. You are already the daughter if a blood-traitor in the eyes of my sister. She's already tried to kill you once..." she trails off, a look of worry on her face. I get her, I really do.

"I think I'm old enough to make my own decisions. And I'm well aware of everything you've said. I've had plenty of time to think it over. And you know what? I love him. And if you've spied on me, then you probably know the full story and understand that it's not just some fleeting passion or girly crush. But I can't go through this without your support!" I plead with them, and their faces soften a bit. Before they can say anything , I hear a shy knock on the door and brace myself for what I suppose will be the most awkward moment in my life.

It's the first time I've ever seen him in clothes that aren't ragged or shabby. I dread to think what he must have gone through to get the shiny new robes. I sense my parents are both surprised and impressed by his new outfit and I guess they have done their research better than I thought.

Before he gets a chance to say anything, Dad grabs a small bottle and plants it firmly in his hand, staring his in the eye.

"If anything happens to my daughter because of you, I will skin you alive!"

"Dad!" I shout. Things have already started to go downfall. But Remus holds his gaze and smiles bitterly.

"There will be no need. I'd kill myself before letting anything happen to her. Despite of what you think, I have thought this through."

I feel my cheeks burn red and wish I could simply vanish into thin air. However, Dad looks satisfied and impressed, even allowing him a small smile. He glances over at Mom, who asks if he'd be willing to make the Unbreakable Vow. Again, I roll my eyes, more embarrassed than ever.

"Then you have our blessing!" Mom actually smiles.

He grabs my hand, bids them good-bye, thanks my father for the bottle which I realize must be Wolvesbane Potion and leads me outside in the cool summer breeze.

Remus's POV

"That wasn't so bad!" I tell her almost cheerfully while we're approaching the Scottish church.

"That was legitly the most awkward moment in my life." Her face is still heated up, making her look prettier than ever. But before I can tell her that she adds, "You look at that thing as if it's the Elixir of Life!"

"For me it is!" I shrug and pocket the potion.

She suddenly stops in her tracks. "I've just realized something!" she gasps. "I never asked you about your parents. I feel awful!"

I gaze at her as if she's the only thing in this world and give her the warmest smile I can manage.

"Well, Mom's dead-" I begin.

"Oh, Remus, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-" She rubs my shoulder which is strangly comforting.

"It's alright." I say truthfully. "The wound is so old, it almost doesn't hurt anymore. But lets not ruin your wedding day with sad stories about my past!" I say that to avoid talking about Dad. I just can't. I want to enjoy this day.

She nods understandingly, looking vaguely curious. I promise myself ill tell her someday.

The church is cramped, old and abandoned. In other words, the best place to hold a secret wedding with just a priest to officiate it and a couple of local witnesses. I feel bad that her parents cannot be here, but it's too dangerous.

The ceremony is boring and tedious and I entertain myself by gazing at her and thanking God for my unbelievable luck. I notice she shudders a bit upon hearing her first name. I smile realizing that tehnically; Tonks won't be part of her name anymore.

I didn't pause to think about the consequences this union might have. I have plenty of time to regret this decision. Right now, I'm following my heart for once and letting us both be happy.

She looks skeptically at me when we exchange rings, wondering how I'd afforded them plus the new suit. But she doesn't ask so I don't have to lie.

I'm never telling I pawned half my mother's legacy for this and the other half to get a decent house in the countryside for us.

"You may kiss the bride!"

I bend down to her. She's not pretty, not beautiful, but as radiant as the sun. What were the odds of the loving me back.

Kissing her gently, feeling her warmth in that remote location was enough to forget everything else going on at the moment. Everything but us...


	14. Chapter 14

Tonks's POV:

"Remus, please!" I try again, on a lower and more urgent tone.

"For heaven's sake, Dora, I've already said no! It's too dangerous!" he replies, clearly annoyed and turns away towards the kitchen.

"You're impossible!" I shout after him, "I just want to help!"

"No, you're impossible!" he snarls, "I swore I'd keep you safe! You can't stay with me, and that's final!"

I refuse to believe that he does have a point. I don't know exactly why but it seems vital I help him thought his transformation.

"So you don't trust the potion? The one my father gave you?" I continue, storming after him.

"Of course I do!" he says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"I'd feel safer if I were helping you than just staying alone in the next room!" I don't add that I don't know if I can sleep alone again.

He's staring at the floor and biting his lower lip, doing some quick thinking. "I can't risk it! You mean too much to me…"

"You let your friends stay with you!" I point out, a bit jealous.

"They were all animals, goddamnit!" he almost shouts/

"Fine!" I give up, annoyed by his lack to cooperation. "At least I tried! It's just impossible to get through to you!"

I turn on my heels to leave, but he grabs my hand and pulls me back. I allow myself a smile, remembering the last time he did this. A muscle is jumping in him jaw.

"All right! But you stay next to the door and if anything goes wrong, you leave immediately and lock me in her! Do I have your word?" he asks fiercely.

I nod, satisfied and get on my toes for a kiss. When I pull away, I whisper 'I always win'.

"Ha, ha, so, funny, Dora!" he rolls his eyes, obviously fighting back a smile and I realize that he's always wanted me to stay.

Remus's POV:

"So this really was your idea?" I ask Dung, suppressing a skeptical smile.

"You don't believe me?" he seems outraged.

"No!" comes the collective reply from everyone else in the room.

"Well, you don't really have much of a choice, since it's pretty much our best chance to deliver the poor boy safely to-"Dung begins, proud he came up with such a brilliant plan.

"Then you're coming with us!" Mad-Eye barks, "Meeting dismissed!"

"What?" Dung stands up suddenly, "No, no, I can't come! I'm not signing up for this!"

"It was your idea, Dung! You can't just not sign up for it!" Dora snaps.

"Finally, you're on my side! Thank you!" Mad-Eye tells her as sarcastically as he can manage. He's been annoyed with anything we two are doing recently. He's also the only one in the Order not fangirling about us marrying. Probably just a jealous bastard. We still love him, though.

She snorts, "Yeah, 'cause I'm never on your side!". Her reply is just as sarcastic.

Everyone gets up, and keeps talking in two or threes. I go over to Dora and casually put an arm over her shoulder. I can't believe how far things have gone between us and that we're now official.

"It's amazing how you keep supporting me…" I tell her in to show my gratitude for helping me through the full moon. She shrugs modestly and I bend down to kiss her, but an owl swoops right between us, clutching a Howler. It's addressed to me. I take it carefully and it begins bubbling. Oh, crap.

"You might want to leave, I say in a shaky voice, dreading its outburst.

"But will I?" she sounds almost amused.

In any other circumstances this would have been incredibly comforting, but right now I'm petrified, knowing who that blasted thing is from and what it contains.

" IF YOU KEEP IGNORING MY LETTERS, I WILL COME AND FIND YOU, WHEREVER YOU ARE!"

I'm frozen in my position, staring blankly at what used to be a piece of red paper. I can feel Dora's gaze drilling into the back of my skull and know, even though I'm avoiding her eyes that she's looking patronizingly at me.

"What?" I mutter, closing my eyes.

"I didn't say anything!" she says, trying hard not to laugh.

I know I have to tell her, and now is the moment. Taking a deep breath I begin,

"It…it was Dad…"I begin quietly, avoiding looking her in the eye, "After Mom died, I went to live by myself. I didn't want to burden Dad anymore. He'd already gone through enough trouble with me. My parents had spent years trying to keep me safe. We had to change houses every few months to avoid people finding out about me. Plus, he's always felt guilty. He insulted Greyback and that was why he searched revenge on the thing Lyall Lupin cared most about…me. I knew he felt more at ease when I left, not having to worry about me anymore. We kept in touch through letters, until he began asking where I was. I know what you're going to say, and you're right, I shouldn't have ignored him, but…I just didn't want to put him through he same struggle all over again…" I suddenly realize my eyes are wet and dry them quickly before she can see me.

"Same noble Remus I fell in love with…" she says softly and pulls me into a hug. "But you can't keep avoiding people who care about you…"

I nod, but whatever she might say, there's no way I'm replying to that Howler. Dad will put too many questions that I can't answer.

"Promise me you'll face him!" she says looking me in the eye, as if knowing what I was thinking.

"I promise!" I say without even meaning to. "You make me do things I'd be too afraid to do otherwise!" I tell her, wondering why I'd just promised to do the exact opposite of what I'd planned.

"It's called marriage, honey!" she laughs.


	15. Chapter 15

Remus's POV:

I slam the door as hard as I can behind me. No matter how frustrated I'd be this always gives me satisfaction. Why does everything turn out bad for me? I guess I should have seen the good side. Harry is safe at the Burrow; that means this night's mission has been a success. George's ear is almost healed and Mad-Eye's the only death.

What really bugs me is that we can't seem to find the body! And my wife has almost been killed by her murderous aunt. And what's worse, I know why…

I see her asleep on the couch with some Ministry papers on her lap. It's clear she's been waiting for me. I stifle a yawn, realizing only now how tired I truly am. But I know I won't be able to sleep without her.

As gently as I can, I put a blanket over her and place the papers on the nearest table. She opens up her eyes immediately.

"Did you find it?" she asks quickly.

For a moment the suddenness of it takes me aback. "Find what?"

She gives me an exasperated look and I remember why I had been out with Bill for the last four hours.

"No. We searched for hours and we'll search more tomorrow, but so far there's no sign of it." I collapse next to her. "Something's clearly wrong and I have a bad feeling about this!"

She looks shocked and on the verge of crying. I get closer to her and pull her into a hug.

"It'll be ok, I promise!" I whisper into her hair, knowing fully well how empty those words are.

"How can it be okay? We're at war, Remus!" she shakes her head. "People die everyday and there's nothing we can do!"

"Of course there is! There always is!" I say stroking her hair which is now long and ginger. She gives a forced laugh.

"You don't even believe yourself!" she snaps.

I ignore the fact that she's right, and resume trying to comfort her after her mentor's death. "You're just scared after your second encounter with Bellatrix. I won't let her harm you…" I promise, more to myself.

She just rolls her eyes. "I can perfectly well take care of myself, thank you very much, Remus!"

"Yeah, well good thing Ron was brilliant and helped you then!" I can't help but snap out to her, surprised she doesn't realize how much this marriage has cost us.

"You're just mad 'cause we were back late!" she says coldly.

"Well, you were supposed to get there first and yet you arrived next to last! How was I supposed to feel? You have no idea just how worried I was! What if something had happened to you? I could have never lived with myself!" I am on the edge of revealing that I know the reason Bellatrix wanted her dead so badly was because of our union. But what's the point? We'll just end up fighting again and it's not like we can change anything. Plus, the last thing I want is to worry her after all the crap she's been through this night.

"I'm sorry!" I say on a calmer tone. "I was just really scared of losing you…"

"We didn't mean to be late! We just missed the Portkey, and-"she begins mumbling.

"I know!" I whisper. "It's all right!" I find I don't want to continue discussing the topic. It just makes me wonder whether I made the right decision. "I love you!" I say to get both our mind off the problems at hand

She smiles and kisses me softly. "You say that all the time!"

I shrug, "Well you never know when I might say it for the last time…."

The smile vanishes of her face. "Oh, shut up!" I laugh and pull her in my arms once more and in moments like this I know our relationship is totally worth the risk.

Tonks's POV:  
The paperwork is incredibly dull and irritating. I do wish we could have stayed more at Harry's birthday; it would have taken my mind of the already-corrupt Ministry I now have to work for. I can't trust anyone there anymore…

I hear Remus pacing behind me. For the first few minutes, I try to ignore him, knowing that it's not a good time to prod him with questions. But I can sense he's obviously annoyed and he's also distracting me.

"Can't you give it a break?" I ask, trying to seem calm.

"Go on! When are you going to say it? Spit it out!" he says harshly.

"Spit what out?" I shout, not understanding where he wants to get.

"That you wish we hadn't left because of me!" he growls.

I bite my lip and say nothing. I can't lie to him. He gives me a strange look and then walks towards the door but I get there first.

"Are you ever going to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a grip on your life? Yes, obviously, I'd have liked to stay more, but-"

"I ruin everything by my simple presence. As always."

"Listen, it's not your fault the Minister came, ok? It happened! We'll explain it to Harry tomorrow at the wedding. But if you insist on pitying yourself, be my guest!" I move to open the door

"I'm not-" he begins unconvincingly, but an owl swoops in, cutting him of and carrying a red envelope.

"Remus!" I shout, conveying my message into the exasperated tone I took. He grabs the owl and throws it back outside through the window and slams it shut.

"Can you not, Remus? You keep turning a blind eye to everyone who has ever cared for you!" I can't believe what he's just done. I don't add that he's promised me, because he doesn't need the reminder.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have married me!" He shouts back and it all becomes clear.

He's regretting it because now I'm on my aunt's to-kill list and must hide away with him.

An eerie silence follows and I give him the chance to take back his words but he can't even look me in the eye. Anger pulses through me.

"Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have! Want a divorce or should we just split up?" I throw back, thrust the door open and storm into the bedroom. I throw myself on the cheap duvet, chewing on my lower lip. The last time I was this annoyed with him was when he accused me of fancying Sirius. Not five minutes pass in which I just stare blankly at the wall, trying to pull things together, when he come in. Just as I'd suspected. He simply can't stay away. Not now that he knows what having someone is like.

"So, made up your mind? Which is it, divorce or separation?"

"You know I didn't really mean that..." he says softly sitting besides me. I get as far away as possible from him.

"Actually, you did and we both know it..."

I let him talk his way out of this. I want to make up. And yet he just looks at me in silence.

"What's that on your arm?" He says suddenly, voice strained, coming closer.

A pang of fear strikes me. What if the injury from Bellatrix has reopened? He shouldn't have known about it. It'll make him even more paranoid. I turn to glance at my arm before he get a chance.

I only manage to see the clear, healthy skin before I feel the pressure of his lips, pulling me into oblivion. Without thinking, I kiss back, thinking how amazing it is that every time is like the first time. The same wipe out of everything around us, the same shivers in my spine.

When we take a break, I whisper in his ear. "If this is your way of making up to me it's pretty lame,"

He gives me a hysterical laugh.

"I've only just started..." and he continues planting kisses on my lips.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Remus's POV

As soon as we enter the wedding tent, I realize just how perfect this ceremony is going to be. Besides me, Tonks is just amazed as I am by the decorations. She's radiant and beaming and I try my best to look happy, but something horrible keep nagging at me. For the moment I don't understand it.

Fred shows us to our seats. I was right; everything from the décor, to the food, to the guests, to the party itself is incredible. That's exactly the problem. This is the wedding I'd wanted for us. Not a quiet exchange of vows in northern Scotland. A soft hand touches my shoulder and I look into her concerned eyes. She's caught the reluctance and longing in my eyes.

"What the matter? Pitting yourself again?" she asks jokingly.

I roll my eyes pointedly. "Yes, Dora, thinking that I couldn't offer you this wedding and that you deserved more than you got! Happy?" it comes out colder than I'd wanted.

She lets out a long sigh. "Can't you just drop it, Remus? I though we made up yesterday…"

"We did! I'm just sorry for-" I begin, embarrassed that I'm dragging her towards a subject she doesn't want to discuss.

"I'm not going to lie," she cuts me off. "Yes, this would have been the wedding of my dreams. But unless it weren't with you, everything else would have been pointless…"

I feel myself falling for her all over again. The words are coming from her heart and I feel so guilty for always doubting them. I vaguely notice we're the only ones still sitting down. Almost everyone else is dancing, while I'm sulking in my chair.

"Sorry," I mumble and get up, offering her my hand. "Care to dance, milady?"

A smile breaks over her face and she takes it.

Tonks's POV:

I lean with my head on his shoulder as the music gets quieter. I wish I can freeze this moment and live in it forever. I decide that now is the time for the big announcement. Taking a deep breath, I stop and move a step backwards. He stares bewildered at me, obviously wondering what the hell I am doing.

"What?" he asks scared.

I smile, "Um...there's something you should know…" I mumble. God, why is this so hard? I feel him bracing for the worst.

"Is everything all right?" his tone is strained and I let out a laugh.

"Everything is perfect. Remus, we're having a baby!" I finally let out, smiling widely.

He looks taken aback. I bet this was the last thing he was expecting. Blinking quickly he staggers back a bit. "Wha-What?" he stammers confused, massaging his forehead, apparently not believing the news, shock written all over his face.

"Isn't that wonderful!" I shriek and throw my arms around his neck.

Remus's POV

I fucked up…I fucked up horribly.

That's all I can think while patting her awkwardly on the back. How had I not considered this? I must have lost my mind! Her grip is so tight; I feel I'm being strangled. Not that I mind of course. When she finally lets go her face is radiating happiness. Of course she wanted this, a child! She just hasn't thought that it might be like me and then we're totally and completely screwed up. Now I've put two innocents in mortal danger. What was I thinking? Oh, right, I wasn't…

Her smile fades as she sees the look of worry that must have imprinted itself on my face. "Remus…" she says concerned

I can't stand to tell her the facts, the risks…I can't ruin this moment.

"Of course it is," I reply, forcing a smile. Now I know for sure I've made the wrong decision and that I can never life with myself again…


	17. Chapter 17

Tonks's POV

My head hurts horribly as I slam the front door behind me. This day has been awful! Having to stick up to all those supporters of his who now run the Ministry. When has my life begun getting so shitty?

I collapse on the couch, clutching my belly as the cramps come in again. I thought it would be wonderful to have a child of my own. But now with the Ministry taken over, I don't know how I can hide my marriage. It might be useless anyway as my dear aunt already knows. Will I even be able to get maternity leave? I hear footsteps for the other room and Remus enters his hair greyer than ever, with bags under his eyes. I had no idea he was struggling that much with lack of sleep. I guess he's figured things out too.

He gives me a grim smile. "I'm officially fired!" he announces. "Even Muggles understand there's something wrong with me!" he leans against the windowsill.

"There's nothing wrong with you!" I say, rather unconvincingly and he senses it.

"Come on, even you don't believe that!" he sounds as if he's close to tears. "We're officially broke! And I cannot and will not go beg your parents for money!"

"Excuse me!" I straighten up suddenly extremely mad, "I have a job!"

He snorts and crossed his arms looking annoyed at me, "And how long do you think it'll take them to realize you're pregnant? And investigate? Does anyone there know we're married?"

I let out a long sign. That's what I've been worrying about all week but I'm not going to admit that. My headache has grown worse during our short exchange.

"Admit that our union has ruined your life!" he snaps. Before I get the chance to snap anything back about how awful a thing to say that is, he continues, "And how do we know our child isn't going to be a werewolf?"

Admittedly, I hadn't though of that, but what does it matter anyway. I knew what I was getting and so did he. "We don't! But we'll manage it! I thought we'd both agreed to go along with this!" I shout back. "Don't tell me you didn't realize that parenthood is a consequence of marriage!"

"Well," he stammers, "To be honest I didn't…"

Anger pulses through me again. Why is he always acting the victim? I don't know how much longer I can stand this! "What the hell Remus?"

"I'm sorry; I was too in love to think properly. I took a rash decision I really shouldn't have!" he doesn't even have the nerve to look me in the eye.

I gulp as the meaning of his words finally hit me. I feel something inside me shattering slowly. "What do you mean?" my voice comes out croaked.

"Bellatrix is after you because of me. I have given you a life as an outcast. And it doesn't matter if you've accepted it. Because I can't! And now this pregnancy…I just…" he blubbers away, still not meeting my gaze, "I have knowingly risked passing on my condition to an innocent child and I can never forgive myself! I really shouldn't have married you!"

As soon as he says it, it lingers in the air as a bad omen. I feel hot tears burning my eyes. The thing inside me keeps breaking and crumbling and I sink back onto the couch. I close my eyes. I don't want him to see my crying. My head is throbbing worse than ever.

I try to say something but the sobs choke me.

I look up and he that he too is struggling to hold back tears. He gazes at me like he always does, as if I'm the only one left in the world, but this time his expression is forced and sad.

"I'm so sorry, Tonks," he croaks and I let out a small gasp. This is the first time he's called me that since we married, "Never forget how much I love you." He puts on his jacket and I suddenly get what he's doing. I get up and rush to him in no time.

"Wait, you're leaving?" I say, unbelieving. This can't be happening. He avoids my eyes and I notice he has a trunk placed carefully at the door. "Remus, this is a bad joke!"

He shakes his head, not saying anything and subtly wiping his eyes on his sleeve. I am still blinded by shock. I'd thought this was just one of our usual fights, the worst we'd ever had, but this?

"So things have gotten tough and you just want to get away?" I shout in anger and disbelief. "You are not the man to leave your child fatherless!"

He gulps and turns towards me looking as if he's trying hard not to crack. "I can't be that child's father. You need to marry someone who can actually offer you a secure future!" he puts his hand on the doorknob.

"If you step outside, I don't want to see you ever again!" I shout in frustration. For the first time he actually smiles. "That's what I've wanted to hear. Good-bye…"


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Remus's POV

I order another firewhiskey, and gulp half of the bottle at once. I feel dizzy but I'm not going to stop. My life is officially ruined. I want to forget everything. I want to forget that I have someone I love and who loves me back despite everything, someone whom I abandoned when she most needed me. I want to forget the look of repulsion on Harry's face and his words, that can't seem to go away no matter how much whiskey I put in my mouth. I want to forget what I know James would have thought of me had he seen me like this. I want to forget the Howlers from my father that keep coming.

"Another one here, Tom!" I bark to the bartender. The old wizard comes forth smiling. "Ah, lemme see the money first, Lupin!" he says slyly.

I fish out the last coins I have left in my pocket and hand them over. "How many bottles can I get with those?" I ask.

"'Couple more…" he says sadly.

"Not enough give them back!" I move to take the money back, but he has already pocketed them.

"How 'bout three more and you get to stay the night just cause I like you?" Tom offers, but I suddenly I feel I've had enough alcohol for a while...too much alcohol...I stifle an urge to throw up.

"How 'bout breakfast and a night here?" I ask, my head throbbing so badly that I feel the need to go to bed. I was wrong; the only way to forget everything is through sleep.

Tom agrees, a bit reluctantly, and leads me to a spare room. I throw myself into bed, convinced that I'd fall asleep immediately. But there was one problem...

I've forgotten how it is to sleep alone...without someone with whom you cuddle with every night. The smell of her shampoo comes back to me as I lay unmoving in bed staring at the ceiling. I wonder if she's feeling the same hollow space. I clutch my pillow pretending it's her and sob quietly into it. Guilt, remorse and miserableness take control of my heart and the alcohol of my brain. I actually wish it were full moon. Only like that I could truly lose consciousness. Harry's words keep echoing in my mind and I find myself having an

imaginary conversation with him. Then Dad comes and so do James and Sirius all of them shouting in my head thing like

"How can you abandon your child? You are not the man to do this to your wife!"

"All I ever wanted was for her to be safe!"

"And all she ever wanted was you! She was happy..."

Try as I might, I couldn't block out the noise. I thought I'm going mad. All through the night I toss and turn, not managing to find a comfortable position.

My mind doesn't want to shut down however hard I try. The truth is that I miss her. More than I'd have ever imagined I'd miss someone. There's this emptiness in my hear that shouts out the need to be filled. This is the longest night in my life and I'd give anything to succumb to the gentleness of sleep. Oh, sleep! But my tortured and guilty soul keeps reminding me of the mistake I've made...and it's not about my marriage.

Tonks's POV

I slowly stir in my mug of coffee, stifling a loud yawn. I've been sleeping (more like trying to sleep) in my old bedroom, but somehow it seemed more uncomfortable than ever. Right now, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, somehow finding myself at my fifth cup of coffee. I feel someone brush against me and unconsciously shudder. I'm not in the mood to be touched by anyone after what happened a few days ago with Remus, because it reminds me too much of him.

"What's the matter?" I hear a mocking voice and roll my eyes, upon recognizing it.

"For the last time, I'm not going out with you again, Terry!" I snap at the grinning man behind me and he starts chuckling.

"That's not what I was going to ask you…" he says slyly and I start feeling something's wrong here. "Where'd you get that?" he asks nodding at my hand.

My throat goes dry. I usually take off my ring at work to avoid questions, but today I forgot. Last night, I actually felt the need to throw it against the wall in frustration, but I couldn't bear giving him up completely.

Terry grins nastily and hands me an envelope. It has the Minister of Magic's seal. I know I'm in trouble. I should be cool about this, as always. But the wound from losing Remus is just too sore. Terry waits for me to say something or at least open it, but all I manage is to stare gapingly at it, and try to do some quick thinking, but my mind seems stuck.

"You're fired," he says, on a nasty tone "You'd think that after marriage you should announce your superiors, but then what can you expect when the lucky man is a filthy half-breed?" he continues, smirking slightly and I catch a note of jealousy in his voice.

I still don't say anything, not in the mood to defend him. I look longingly at my ring, willing myself to take it off, but images from our wedding flash in my mind and it's just too painful.

"However," Terry continues, not realizing I'm not interested anymore in what he's saying. "I am a very influential person here. I can persuade the Minister to give you your job back, if…" but I don't let him finish.

"Tell the Minister I'll clear my desk by noon!" I snap. "Now get out!"

He blinks shocked at me. Bet he wasn't expecting that. Bet he still thinks there's place for another man in my heart. I feel bile rising up in my throat. I dash out, leaving him suspicious. As I vomit my breakfast, I thank the Minister in my mind. Now I don't have to take maternity leave anymore.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Remus's POV

I knock slowly at the door, my heart thumping hard. Everything inside me tells me that this is going to turn out really nasty and yet I know I have to go forward. And I also know that I won't leave without her. I've got to fix this.

The door opens and someone pulls me harshly inside.

"Hyia, Ted," I say in a strained voice as he looks at me with an expression full of anger and hatred. Suddenly, I feel a punch in the nose, and I stagger back a bit.

"Thanks; I deserved that!" I say and for a fleeting moment the ghost of a smile on his face. "I didn't expect you to reply to my Patronus…" I begin anxiously, cleaning my nose of blood on my sleeve.

"The only thing I hate more than you is seeing my daughter upset…" he snaps, putting another layer of guilt over me. How much more is she going to suffer because of me?

"I wasn't thinking-"I mumble, not daring to look him in the eye and get a grunt as reply.

I hear noises from upstairs, clearly Andromeda and Tonks's voices. I look at Ted but he's ignoring me completely. I feel worse with every passing moment. What if she won't forgive me? I don't give a damn about her parents, except that they make my feel even guiltier that I've made myself.

Andromeda gets down the stairs and eyes me with loathing. I feel like disappearing in the background. Dora follows, clutching a chocolate, with bags under her eyes. Seems like I'm not the only one who hasn't been sleeping these last two days. It feels like an eternity, though. She suddenly sees me and releases the chocolate. Her gaze is the worst. She's not angry, but hurt and that I can't stand. I wish she'd begun shouting at me. She turns towards her parents.

"You set this up for me?" she growls and neither of them answers, "Whose side are you on?"

"This isn't about sides. It's about the fact that Remus here," Andromeda glares at me, "is having a hard time coping with the decisions he makes, aren't you?" she ends on a high-pitched note.

I don't answer. I just wish they'd leave; they're making me uncomfortable. As if reading my mind, which he probably has, Ted gets up, grabbing his wife's arm.

"You two need to sort things out alone." He mumbles and they close the kitchen door behind them.

Now that my wish has been fulfilled, I open my mouth, but no sounds come out. Her semi-angry, semi-disappointed expression stabs me repeatedly and I keep asking myself how could I do this to her.

"Get out of my house, Remus!" she croaks, looking me in the eye. "I've told you that I don't want to see you again. How on Earth you have the nerve to show up here beats me."

I suddenly get my voice back seeing that she might not be able to forgive me. "Dora," I bin and drop unceremoniously to my knees, tears clouding my vision, "All I ever wanted was to keep you safe. I'm sorry. I can't sleep at night. I miss you and my heart is layered in guilt of the knowledge that I've made you suffer. I don't know how I can make you ever forgive me, but I do know that I won't leave until you have." Her face is strained and she backs away. I crawl closer to her. "I'm just not used to people loving me back. Please, you've got to give me another chance!" I plead desperately, but she starts shaking her head.

"You made you decision. And do get up, Remus, you're pathetic!" she says in a cold voice. She turns away, and I rush after her.

"It was a stupid one!" I continue. "I love you!" I stress out, panicking all the while, afraid that I'd truly screwed up this time. She glares at me, tears shimmering in her eyes.

"Believe me when I tell you that I've never doubted it. But that doesn't make this right. It gives me no reason to forgive the unforgivable." She barks back, but I feel warmth in her voice that wasn't there a few moments ago and it gives me a new hope.

"I was frightened! Is that what you want to hear? I was frightened for you and for our child and afraid that I'd ruined your life! I know I shouldn't have done what I did! It's eating me alive! But I can't live without you anymore! I swear I'll make it up to you! And I'd do anything and everything for you to love me again!" I say quickly, blinking the tears out of my eyes. She's right; I am pathetic, but that doesn't matter right now. If she can't let be back in her life, there is nothing I have to live for anymore.

Tonks's POV

"I've never stopped loving you," I say, staring at the floor. Everything inside me yearns for him, but I cannot allow it. I want him to suffer. But then I notice he's stinking of alcohol and that all his clothes are torn and filthy. His face is zombie-like and I understand that he hasn't been sleeping either. I need him. But I won't give in.

After a short silence in which I decide to go upstairs follows, but just as I am leaving, he grabs me and kisses me like he did the very first time. And I find myself unwilling to resist as I kiss back. I missed those shivers going down my spine, the fuzzy warm feeling he gives me every time our lips collide. Then I pull away suddenly.

"I don't want to be weak in letting you back in after what you've done!" I pant slightly out of breath. I hadn't realized how much I'd longed for him.

"Suffering isn't a sigh of weakness; it's a sign of being human. And whatever you may think, I have suffered more than you!" he says biting his lower lip, probably anxious of my reaction.

I look up at him and think 'Oh, what the hell', getting on tiptoe for another kiss.


	20. Chapter 20

Remus's POV

The bell rings on a spring evening. I begin to imagine the worst; could be Death Eaters. Tonks comes out of the kitchen, a spoonful of ice-cream in her mouth. She gulps it down before saying "Open up! Might be the twins, Kingsley and Jordan. But ask the password first!"

"Oh, right! Forgot they were coming. Thought it might be…you know…" I mumble embarrassed and she rolls her eyes.

"Death Eaters after us? You don't trust your own defenses?" she asks mockingly.

"Do you?" I avoid the question and put my hand on the doorknob.

"Obviously," she whispers in my ear and I a smile breaks on my face as I ask for the password.

"Albus!" Fred's (or was it George?) voice says and I open up, greeting our visitors. I can't help noticing that Kingsley's smile is a bit forced though. I look at him, mouthing a 'what is it?' He motions at me to come in a further corner, away from the others.

"Bad news?" I ask getting more and more anxious, not even knowing what to expect.

He wordlessly puts a paper in my hand, glancing over his shoulder at Tonks who has just appeared with refreshments. "Your wife; your job to tell her! Good luck!" he says with a sad smile and walks away, leaving me alone and confused. I glance at the paper and grown. It's the death toll for this month. I'm just wondering why on Earth Kingsley has given me that dreadful thing, when my eyes flit to the last name on the list: Ted Tonks.

Oh, crap!

I don't know how much I stand there staring in disbelief at the paper, when I suddenly feel a warm hand on my shoulder. Hers, I would recognize it anywhere.

"You all right?" she asks in a concerned voice.

When I don't answer, because I'm still mulling over what I should say, she snatches the list out of my hands before I can protest.

"Death List? What were you reading this for-" her voice trails of as she sees her father's name on it. All conversation around us has stopped abruptly. We're all looking at her, her lower lip trembling.

"Dora-" I begin, still unsure of what to say.

"Remus, can I ask you a favour?" she asks, voice breaking.

"Anything, love!" I say quickly.

"Serve our guest with some cookies. There's food in the fridge. Help them get ready for the airing of the radio program. Don't bother my mother; she's sleeping! I'll be right back!" she then walks away swiftly, leaving me hanging and afraid for her.

Tonks's POV

As soon as I close the bedroom door, I collapse on the bed and begin sobbing in my pillow. Dad is dead. I repeat it in my head, because it seems so unbelievable. Only a week has passed since he's left and Remus and I moved in my old house to keep Mom company. I never imagined what it'd be like to lose a parent. 24 and it still hurts like hell. How have others managed it at younger ages? What's more, he was murdered! Murdered! He didn't even do anything!

Suddenly, the door opens. Not a minute has passed and I know who it is.

"Let me be alone, Remus!" I murmur into the pillow. I feel him coming next to me and sitting next to me.

"When you say that, what you actually mean is 'I desperately need a hug'…" he says as seriously as he can.

I get up and sit cross-legged next to him. "Just go away! I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work!"

He sighs and starts rubbing my leg, showing no sign of leaving and I'm a bit relived. "I lost a parent too, you know…" he whispers.

I bite my lip, feeling I've been self-centered, forgetting about his mother. "How do you get over it?" I ask drying my eyes.

"You don't," he says glumly. "I'm speaking out of experience, so this isn't just a speech to make you feel better, ok? You love your parents. I know Ted was a great person, that he didn't deserve to die, that he went to protect you and your mother and I fully understand and appreciate him for it…I kinda did the same thing, only much more selfishly." He stops for a moment, staring into space, obviously putting himself in Dad's place.

All of a sudden, I can't take it anymore and burst out into tears, fully feeling the loss all over again. I lean into Remus. "Hold me!" I say and he puts protective arms over me. I feel him smiling. "Always"

"What do I do for it to go away?" I ask foolishly.

"The pain never goes away and you will always carry it within you. But you need to think of the good times and cherish them. I'm not going to sugar this, because, trust me, it'd be worse. In time you'll kind of get used to it, the hollow in you heart. It's ok to cry; you don't have to be strong this time too…" I see his eyes are glistening with tears too and I'm sure he's thinking of his mother.

"How to you manage to make me feel better even in the shittiest of time?" I ask, the ghost of a smile wavering on my face and he returns him.

"I love you!" he says simply. "And you gave me a second chance. I won't ruin it. I'd go through hell and back to see you safe and happy." He pauses for a moment, then grins. "Tell you what, if it's a boy, we'll name him Ted!" he says pointing at my belly.

I give him a true and genuine smile. "Okay, and if it's a girl, we'll name her Hope, okay?"

"Okay," he replies, kissing my forehead. "Now feel free to bawl our eyes out on my shirt…as long as you're not wearing makeup…"

I give a shaky laugh. "I never wear make-up!"

He nods, grinning. "I know," He then gives me a small kiss and I literally forget everything, even my father's death.

"And the guest?" I suddenly straighten, but he pulls me back into a hug.

"They can wait," he says softly, "You're more important…"

I put my face in his shirt and shed all my tears until there's nothing left.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Tonks's POV

Mom has just left when Remus comes in after visiting the Shell Cottage. He looks years younger than ever and astonished by his own happiness. He's smiling widely as she sits besides me on the bed and beam at our little bundle of joy.

"He accepted; can you believe that?" he bursts out, excitement on his face. "He's Teddy's godfather! That means he's forgiven me!" he starts laughing almost hysterically.

I roll my eyes, though it warms up my heart to see him this happy. "Why shouldn't he...I did!"

For a second his smile vanishes and he looks apologetic at me, probably trying to determine whether I'm upset. I give him a playful shove. How can I be on a day like this?

"I can never repay Harry for snapping me back to my senses...to you…"

I smile at him, biting back a nasty retort. I don't want to ruin the moment. He reaches out for my hand that isn't holding Teddy and latches his fingers into mine. I snuggle up close to him and put my head on his shoulder. It's always comforting to do that.

"Here, you hold him!" I say softly, handing him the baby.

He takes Teddy into him arms and cradles him carefully as if he's a porcelain doll that he's afraid to break.

His lip is trembling. "I can't believe I'm just holding my own child…" he mutters staring at Teddy as if he's never seen a baby before. His mouth opens and closes. I deduce that he can't find words to express what he's feeling.

"I just never though I'd have all this..." he trails off.

He's being so sweet I can't resist kissing him on the cheek affectionately.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Tonks's POV

He has finally, finally stopped crying. I watch him now, curled up in his crib, a thumb in his mouth, hair a deep shade of purple. His slow breaths are soothening and instantly calm me down despite the extreme fatigue I feel after staying up almost all night. I smile softly, knowing I don't mind one bit that I haven't got much sleep if it meant staying up for him.

Now I get why parents are so panicky and always crave the best for their younglings. I've known the minute Teddy entered the world via my womb that I'd do anything for him.

My eyelids are slowly closing and I collapse into bed. I'd wanted to wait for Remus, but I'm just too...tired...

Remus's POv

The door slowly creaks open and they are both sleeping soundly. As if the battle hasn't begun. As if they weren't in the most imminent peril they've ever known.

Six months ago, I would have panicked instantly at the thought that I have brought most of this upon them. But today I realise that this is my family. And I will protect it even if it's the last thing I do.

It breaks my heart to see them both so peaceful. I can't bear to wake her and face her with the horrid fact...

Soul heavy with soreness at the thought that our life is about to change forever this night, I slowly approach the bed and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Dora," I say in the tinniest voice I can manage and that's when I break down and sob worse than Teddy. Why does everything have to happen to me? Finally, when I'd found a place in the word for me , after a long series of downfalls, this arrives...

I suddenly realise that bawling out won't help so I strain to suck the tears back, wipe my face as well as I can clear my throat and shake my wife a bit harder. "Dora,wake up!"

She mumbles in her sleep and turns the other way. God, she must be really tired.

Even after all this time I still can't believe that she's actually mine, that someone can actually love me back.

I press a soft kiss on her forehead and she suddenly opens her eyes, with a wide smile forming on her face.

I can't stand to see how oblivious she is to the current crisis. I'm running out of time and decide the sooner i get it over with the better.

"Something's wrong!" I say harshly and a look of complete terror and, panic replaces the smile. She stands up quickly and leads me in the hall so that we won't disturb Teddy.

She looks confused and worried at me.

"What?"

"It has begun. There's a battle going on at Hogwarts. Voldemort is asking for Harry. We can't allow that!" I blurt out quickly trying not to look at how shocked she's become.

"Do you realise what this means?" She asks in a shrill voice and I'm relieved she's catching up quickly.

I nod gravely. "We can't lose!"

"We can't lose!" She repeats weakly.

"Dora, I-" I begin telling her the second part with will hurt even more.

"I'll get my jacket!" She says briskly and turns towards the stairs, but I pull her back before she can get far.

"You've just given birth! You can't just go rushing off into battle!" I say appalled at how she's even thought of it. "Teddy needs you...needs us...And I don't want to go either..." I add.

"But you must..."she says with a sob and staggers into my arms.

"I won't go unless you ask me to," I whisper in her ear, slowly stroking her back.

She snorts half-amused. "You already knew that I'd want you to do what's best for our family."

I cradle her head in my palms and kiss her, knowing that it's the last time I'd see her. I'm no fool to pretend I have a chance of surviving this. But we'd both rather die than be slaves to the Death Eaters. And now there's Teddy to think of. He needs a better world to live in.

She kisses back hard and we are both silently weeping.

"Promise me something..." she says softly and my heart breaks even more knowing that I can't keep what she's asking of me. She should know better than to hope I'll come home alive. I haven't been in combat for so long. I've weakened. But even a weakened fighter is better than no fighter.

"Promise me you'll take down as many Death Eaters as you can..." she finishes taking me by surprise. I wasn't expecting that. This woman is amazing, always thinking of others. I kiss her again. "I swear! And I want you to promise me something too..." I add, an idea suddenly occurring to me.

Tonks's POV

I can't bear him looking at me like that. Like he's taking me in for the last time, trying desperately to show how much he loves me.

I smile sadly at him. Neither of us is pretending he has a chance of coming home safely. However, it still hurts to even acknowledge it.

"Anything," I whisper softly, and he pulls me into a big hug.

"If I don't survive this..." he begins, in a scared whimper.

I don't remember letting out a sob. "Please don't say that!"I beg him, closing my eyes and resting my head on his shirt.

"Just in case," he continues, voice trembling, "I want you to find someone who will love and cherish you at least at much as I have...who will be a good father to Teddy..."

I can't believe he's asking this of me! Unbelievable! I'm shaking my head before he finishes his sentence.

"You know perfectly well that I can't do that! I'll never love anyone the way I love you..."

I don't think he's ever worn a sadder expression. He stokes my cheek gently.

"I pray to God that you do!"

Remus's POV

Fortunately, he's still asleep. Trying hard not to wake him up, I kiss him on the forehead. My little baby. If there's anything I'd doubted I'd have more than love, it was a child of my own.

Now I'll not even get to see him grow up.

"Daddy loves you," I whisper through my sobs, trying hard to ignore the pained expression on my wife's face.


	23. Chapter 23

All I'm thinking while rushing through the winding corridors of Hogwarts is: 'Dolohov has surely killed him; I'm too late'. I'm still not sure I should've come. Guilt at leaving my newborn son alone rakes me, but then what was the point of staying if we couldn't win the war?

I get a glimpse of a slumped body, leaning on the wall. With a gasp, I recognize my husband. I rush to him and I find myself praying he isn't dead. As I get nearer, I see there's another stiletto beside him. I distinctively hear him talking to Kinsley and let out a sigh of relief.

Kingley waves friendly to me, but there's a worried frown on his face. Remus glances at me and his jaw falls open in surprise.

"What the hell are you doing here?" He shouts.

But my attention has shifted towards his bandaged red arm which Kingsley is grasping tightly.

"You're injured!" I exclaim, the reality of what we're facing hitting me full in the face. I crouch next to him to examine his wound. He rolls his eyes annoyed and gets up, despite Kingley's protests, pulling his arm free.

He staggers a bit from the loss of blood and I steady him as well as I can. He flashes me a furious look. I've never seen him this angry.

"You were supposed to stay at home!" He shouts in a rasp voice. "You were supposed to be safe...with Teddy!"

When we fought I was always the one to begin shouting. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable now that things are the other way around.

"And miss all the fun?" I try to joke but his expression is, if possible, even angrier.

"I'll just leave you guys to your matrimonial misunderstandings..."Kinglsey's voice reaches me vaguely.

"Ever since I've met you, all I've ever tried was to keep you safe and but you continue to mess it up! We both know fully well we're not going to survive this...you have made your son an orphan!" He keeps shouting and blinking out tears and I feel worse with every passing moment.

I thought he'd be at least slightly happy he's seeing me for one last time. Plus, he's wrong! The shouting and blaming can go both ways.

"What good does it do if I stay at home like a helpless maiden, letting her husband fight her battle for her if in the end our family is going to be exterminated should we lose?"

"This isn't your battle-" he begins, face stiff.

"It's everyone's battle! I'm not going to allow you to wrap me up in a blanket like a doll to keep me out of harm's way! I can take care of myself, Remus! Stop trying to protect me! That's just sexist!" I shout back, ignoring the shouts and noises of the battle that surprisingly goes on without us.

He puts his good hand in his hair exasperated. "How is that sexist? I just don't want you to die with me!" This time his voice trembles and he wipes away his tears.

"Well, I don't want to die otherwise!" I grumble staring him angrily.

He looks at me for a while, and then steals a quick kiss. It's the shortest we've ever had; I don't get the chance to feel those shivers and get that fuzzy feeling of his being close.

"We're wasting time arguing," he tells me and I don't get if he's less annoyed with me. "Let's go kick some ass!"

Despite everything going on, I smile widely and he smiles back. We rush off trying not to think we'll be dead before the night has passed. Instead we think we have sth worth fighting for.

Remus's POV

There he is, behind the pillar. I can't believe I went to school with Dolohov once. Now he's come to finish me off. At least I have an advantage...I've seen him. I fire a curse in his direction, but he has already aimed a green spark...only not at me.

Dora has just finished off a couple of guys and is panting excitedly. She doesn't see the trajectory of the spell.

I don't think. I push her out of the way with all my remaining strength. I barely feel the Killing Curse slam into me...

Tonks's POV

Something hard pushes me and I crumple on the limestone. Getting up immediately, wand ready I see Dolohov smirking in the background. Then he does the least expected thing: he leaves.

"Remus, what was that-" I turn around to face him.

When I see him lying motionless on the ground, it all suddenly becomes clear. I stifle a gasp, my knees buckle under me and the tears come on.

I never knew I'd hurt that much. There is still so much I needed to tell him...he doesn't deserve this.

"Remus..."I whisper, stoking his hair. "I'm sorry..."

I forget everything for a while and all I see is him. The man I've loved so much, who just died for me. I should get back on with fighting. That's why I came here after all. But I've lost the will...all that matters is that he's gone and it's my fault. I sob on him for I don't know how long. I sob for everything we've been through...for our love that has been crushed over and over again but has somehow miraculously survived.

Everything inside me is bleeding and I can't even get up.

"My, my, isn't this romantic?" A patronizing voice catches my eye. And for the first time, I'm not even slightly afraid of her.

Gripping my wand tight, not bothering to wipe my dripping wet face, I stiffly get up and look into the face of my aunt with as much hate as I can muster. She laughs and it only irritates me more.

"Crucio!" I shout, but she defects it quickly, with an amused expression.

"It was useless anyway, dear!" She cackles. "I'll get this over with quickly...Might have spared you out of respect for Andy if it weren't for that filthy half-breed you've been bawling your eyes over…"

"I love him!" I shout and shower hexes at her. I want her to die...to suffer the same way we have because of her and her little band of Death Eaters.

"I should thank Dolohov for announcing me you were here...I wanted to be the one to wipe the vermin out of my family..." she mutters between spells.

Then, suddenly, a green light catches me straight in the chest and I go all numb. The last thing I feel is my hand brushing against Remus's as I fall...


	24. AN

Hey, guys!

First of all, thank you so much for reading and rating my story. It means a lot to me since I've gone through a very emotional feels trip by writing this. I really hope you liked it and that I've done justice to this absolutely amazing couple (OTP forever).

Secondly, I want to say that even thought I've finished this quite some time ago, I've found it pretty hard to let go, so I've begun writing a series of bonus-chapters that fit in my version of events. Since they've come to me after I finished the initial story I will post them from now on.

Enjoy!


	25. Bonus chapter no 1

**_Bonus chapter no1_**

"Are you sure you don't want help with those files, dear?" Molly shouts after me as I push open the door with my elbow. She's seems more concerned than usual and I can guess why, but I'm really not in the mood to talk about it. Not while it's still sore.

"No, thanks, I'm all right!" I shout back, leaving the room quickly before she can question me any further, reaching the entry hall.

Almost immediately, the front door springs open and bumps straight into my cluster of files. Given any other time I would have started making jokes about it and pretending to be upset. But not today.

I don't even look up as I start fishing them up. Suddenly I feel the urge to get as far away from the Burrow as possible. For reasons I don't quite understand it reminds me of Remus and even the thought of his name stings. Surprisingly it feels even worse than when Jimmy cheated on me in fifth year. Another hand helps me scoop us the rest and hands them to me. I grab them automatically, with a short 'thanks', but something feels different.

A sudden chill goes down my spine and my stomach turns upside down as I silently pray it isn't him.

Heart pounding in my neck I raise my eyes. His expression is painful and despite his effort to keep it straight I read it like an open book.

Remus

I cannot show how much I've missed her and how hard I have to hold myself back from embracing her. The thought of being able to hold her in my arms is so intense I almost forget myself. Almost.

The pain is a thousand times worse now that I see her and that she's gazing at me like we're the only people left in this world. My prayers not to meet her haven't been answered.

Why does the universe hate me? I'd been perfectly fine(or as fine as a werewolf could be these days) and she just had to walk in my life, didn't she? And as if falling in love with her wasn't enough, she had to feel the same way! My life is officially more screwed than ever, because not having her feels like someone constantly grating my heart.

The door bangs on the wall because of the wind outside and I suddenly wake up from this reverie. Getting up and not taking my eyes away from her I say curtly:

"Please hit me as hard as you can!"

Tonks

I stare at him baffled. This was the last thing I'd expected him to say. I stand up straight and give him a puzzled look.

"What?" I ask, doing my best to keep my voice from trembling.

"You heard me!" He snaps, a vein pulsing in his forehead.

"Are you insane?" I snap back. I feel that being angry with him eases the pain. "I'm not going to hit you!" It comes out softer than I'd meant and my cheeks burn red. I hate being so vulnerable and weak when he's around.

"Suit yourself!" He mutters and gives himself a good punch in the face.

My jaw drops open. "What the hell, Remus? What did you do that for?" I shout, half-afraid that he has truly gone mad. I vaguely wonder whether I'm part of the reason and start to panic a bit.

"Had to-" he begins clutching his jaw. Idiot probably didn't even realise his own strength. "Uhh, nevermind..." he mumbles, pointedly avoiding my eyes. "Nice seeing you..." he says staring at the floor and makes hurriedly to leave.

I suddenly get a nauseated feeling watching him leave. I don't recall opening my mouth, nor shouting after him. All I know is that I need him here with me. I need to talk with him, to make him stay.

Remus

I stop abruptly when she calls out my name. I silently urge myself to ignore her and go on. She doesn't realise that any other conversation would only hurt us both. And I don't think I can stand it. Yet, I just can't help slowly turning around. Why, why am I so controllable when she's around.?

"Yes..." I say slowly.

I start panicking when I look into her eyes. Big mistake. I feel that connection again and suddenly wish I'd just left.

"I've missed you..." she whispers coming closer.

I close my eyes and try to wake up yet again remembering that punch I gave myself.

"I wish I could say that I haven't thought of you at all, but you probably won't believe it anyway." I whisper back.

The little voice in my head shouts at me to wake the fuck up. As if I hadn't known.

Tonks

I allow him the smallest of smiles.

"No, I won't..."

A small awkward pause passes between us before I get hold of the courage to go on. I feel I must go on, even if I can see where this is heading.

"You know you don't have to do this...You can be happy here...with me..."

I unconsciously reach out and grab his hand. It twitches when I touch it yet he doesn't let go.

He lets out a deep sigh and lets his other hand stroke my hair. I sense a longing in his eyes and I hope that maybe, just maybe I'm getting through to him.

"That's more or less what my friends once told me, and look where they are now...two are dead and the other betrayed us..."

A surge of annoyance passes through me and I pull away from him. He blinks, a bit dazzled by the sudden turn of events.

"Oh, come on! You cannot possibly hold yourself responsible for any of that!" I spit out.

He shrugs sadly, "That doesn't change the guilt I've been feeling. Nor the fact that mostly everyone I've ever held dear is now gone."

I roll my eyes, "Why must you always be so incredibly unselfish?"

Remus

She's really starting to get on my nerves. What is so hard to understand? I take a deep breath, deciding to make this clear once and for all.

"Tonks, my life has sucked since the moment I was bitten. No matter what you innocently might think, we live in a world where werewolves are seen as filth and everyone even remotely close to them is in horrid danger. I am not feeling sorry for myself; I am simply stating the truth. You shouldn't have feeling for me! It's unhealthy and whatever you want us to be...it can't happen. "

She looks at me in a queer way I can't quite get. Every moment of this pointless argument is painful and I need her to leave.

"I'm sorry, but I still believe you ought to give us a chance...give yourself a chance to live with yourself. You, out of all people deserve this. For once, try putting yourself first."

I feel like slowly bumping my head against a wall.

"You still don't get it, do you?" I mutter.

"I do, I just happen to disagree..."

I hate that she's smiling. It's driving me crazy. I have to end this and quickly.

"Then I'm sorry to inform you, but nothing you're going to say is making me change my mind...and you know why?"

She raises an eyebrow skeptically, probably trying to take this as a joke or playful argument. Typical for Tonks. Although deep down she knows and understands me yet refuses to accept the reality.

"Surprise me!" She says crossing her arms.

It's time to say it; I conclude and take a huge breath.

"Because I love you!"

Tonks

My hands fall at my side and my jaw drops open. I have a mini-heart attack. I hadn't expected him to say it, at least not now. It's not like I hadn't known, but the way he said it, meaning every syllable makes tingles go over my entire body and I'm so dizzy feel the need to faint.

Only he doesn't stop there...

"Ever since we've met I've felt this connection between us. Yet I managed to deny my feelings for you for as long as was possibly human. Never even in my wildest dreams have I ever dared to hope you'd feel anything back.

"And when you did, I realised I can't have you. Not being who I am. You say we can be happy together and that I need to put myself first for once but there lies the entire problem, Tonks...I'll always put you first.

"And I'd risk the joy of having you without a second thought if it ensures your safety and well-being. And please believe me when I say that you can't have that with me!

"Even if it pains me to be away from you, to imagine you in another man's arms, I'd rather you have someone young and whole who has so much to offer..."

We're both in tears when he finishes. That is the most romantic and annoyingly unselfish thing anyone has ever said to me. It only makes me want him more. Despite everything he said, I still love him.

"I need you!" I burst out in a desperate attempt.

Remus

I shake my head slowly and smile sadly.

"No, you don't...you don't need anyone, least of all me. You're so independent and amazing. You're that little bulb of optimism and happiness that lightened up my heart. And that's why I love you."

I can't help planting a light kiss on her cheek. It gives me just enough energy to finally, finally go into the kitchen. I force myself not to look back.

Tonks

I fall softly to the ground, grasping the files tight to my chest and let tears drop softly onto them. I feel the place where he kissed me burning.

He's right, I don't need a man, I never have. I shouldn't cry out of failed romances.

But this time it's different. This time I let myself sob softly. I've been strong all my life and I allow myself just this once to be weak.

"I love you too," I whisper under my breath.


	26. Bonus chapter no 2

Bonus chapter no 2

Remus

I knock quickly and sharply on Mad-Eye's front door. My head is throbbing unbelievably hard and I'm in desperate need for some alcohol.

"Mad-Eye, open up it's me!" I shout through the door, anxious to go in.

"Who's me?" He mumbles.

I take a deep sigh. Declaring myself is the last thing I'd wanted to do but he gives me no choice.

"Remus Lupin, werewolf, aged-" I being half-heartedly, but he jerks the door open and pulls me through before I even realise it.

"Why the hell did you just say you're a werewolf where everyone can hear you?" He lashes out at me and I suddenly wish I hadn't come after all. But I never really had a choice.

"I though you wanted declaration and i gave it to you..." I explain myself, realising immediately that he's right. Why have I been acting so foolishly lately? Actually, I think I know the answer to that...

"Yeah... well...but ...you should have...oh, nevermind!" He blabbers, "what do you want Lupin, I have work to do!"

For a moment i find myself unable to form coherent words but when he frowns at me I burst out, "I think I've gone mad, Mad-Eye! I proposed!"

He chews his lips slowly as if he doesn't even believe what I'm saying. "Come again?"

I grab what's left of my hair.

"I proposed to Tonks! What was I thinking? It's one thing to accept to be in a relationship with her but marriage? I can barely financially sustain myself..."

He suddenly holds up his hands to stop me. "Where do I even start, Lupin?" He shakes his head.

"First of all, you don't have to sustain anyone; she has a job! She's earning more than you ever have in a lifetime! She doesn't need your pathetic finances. So get money off your mind.

"Secondly, and more importantly...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" He shouts in my face. "While you were away, everyone in the order was babbling about how you two should get together and so on and so forth...I was the only one who stood up for your wisest decision...bet you didn't know that.

"The only reason I didn't complain seeing you finally give in to Tonks was seeing her happier than all year. "

I bite my lip, nervously. I'm not sure what I'd expected from him, but it most certainly wasn't this.

"You're not helping, Mad-Eye..." I mumble, afraid to look him in the eye though.

"I WASN'T MEANING TO!" he shouts yet again, bursting my ears. "HAVE YOU EVEN THOUGHT THIS OVER?"

"I was hoping you'd give me some assistance in that instead of pointing out everything I did wrong, which by the way I know..." I snap back angrily. I didn't come here to be criticized. I need to map out my marital life. I don't know what reckless foolishness pushed me to that, but now I can't back down and I find myself not actually wanting to...

He stares suspiciously at me. "Want some advice? Take it back! The proposal, I mean!"

"What?" I exclaim, not daring to believe my ears. "One does not simply 'take it back'!"

"Oh, well, I was fearing you'd say that..." he says, chewing on his inner lip. A few moments pass in which he seems to be doing some quick thinking. Then he suddenly leaves, leaving me baffled.

When he returns he has a map under his arm and beckons me. I approach slowly and cautiously. I have absolutely no idea what he's doing but he's been too quite for too long and for Mad-Eye it can never mean anything good.

He slams the map on the nearest table and flings it open.

"Okay, Lupin, listen carefully because I won't repeat this," he says, suspiciously calm. I nod quickly wondering what he has in store for me.

"A few years before my retirement we put into custody the house of a death eater who had died in Azkaban. His last descendent had just perished so we put the house out for sale. Only problem was that nobody wanted the former habitation of a Death Eater. So we all forgot about it. I can easily hand it over to you guys for moving in."

He shoves the map in me, his tone suddenly changing from brisk and business-like to irritable as always. "That's all I can do for you. Take it or leave!"

The truth is that I didn't feel entirely comfortable living in a house which belonged to a Death Eater. But then, it beats living in a smelly studio. Besides, we both know he's giving me a bit of heaven by offering me a free home.

I smile warmly and clasp his hand, "Thank you, Alastor!"

"Just get out; I have work to do..." he mutters ushering me through the door. Good ol' Mad-Eye!


	27. Bonus Chapter no 3

3

Tonks

I feel him grabbing my elbow softly. Turning around, I smile widely, drunk on giddiness only by seeing him. He disappeared for the last few days and I'd begun to be more and more worried.

"Is everything-" I begin, nervously, but he doesn't let me finish.

"Come with me!" He says entwining his fingers through mine.

I follow him unsure, away from the camp. As soon as he's put a significant distance between us and everyone else, he turns around to face me, hands resting on my shoulders.

"So here's the thing," he begins warmly, "I've been thinking about how we haven't really been on any dates..."

"Excuse me?" I can't help myself from bursting out. He couldn't have taken me more by surprise if he'd told me an airplane would crash out of the sky.

He kisses my forehead softly, "Yes, I know that we're in the middle of a war and everything, but things between us haven't been quite clear...I mean, we've technically been a couple and after a month I proposed...I took the liberty to arrange us a nice and proper date..."

"So that's where you've been..."I smile widely, a little flame warming me on the inside upon hearing his words. "You're amazing!" I add, putting my free arm around his neck and getting on tiptoe. But he puts a finger to my mouth with a sly look in his eyes.

"Save it for the date," he says, earning a strong laugh and a kiss nevertheless, just because I never stick to the rules.

He then wraps an arm around me and Apparates to the queerest place I've ever seen.

We are in a thicket of trees and it smells of moisture and rainforest. Birds are swaking and a few feet away there's a river with a wooden boat anchored to the shore. It's late evening and the bright moon is shining upon it, its gleaming reflexion giving me the chills.

"Where are we?" I whisper, afraid to ruin the vibe of this forest.

"The Amazon," he replies proudly. "That boat is enchanted to take us on a nightly tour."

It's too beautiful to be true, I think taking in the feeling of being one with nature in its purest forms. I take of my shoes and bury my feet in the grass when a drop of water falls on my forehead from a large jungle leaf. I look up at Remus, wondering what to say. But it turns out he speaks for me.

"Tell that to any guy who ever asked you out..."

I laugh once more, happy that I can finally forget all the shit I've been through today and spend some quality time with him.

He takes my hand again and leads me to the boat. As soon as I step in, it takes off gently and smoothly, leaving me to contemplate the variety of greenness unfolding before me.

A breeze sweeps through my hair and I'm suddenly a bit cold. I scoot over to Remus, burring myself in his arms.

"This is wonderful," I mumble, at ease with everything and everyone, "Thank you..."

I glance at him and he's giving me the look again. He brushes my messy hair from my face.

"I never understood what I did to deserve your love..." he says sadly, eyes locked onto mine. "How can you love me?"

Suddenly, words seem stuck in my throat. I find myself at an impasse...I just don't know what to say. I guess I should have expected this question considering everything we've been through.

"I'm not sure I know myself.." I whisper, not meeting his glance, "You make me feel stronger and weaker at the same time...When I'm with you I feel safe and happy and complete. We seem so different and yet you understand me on a level no one does...And you're so kind and selfless without even trying I just can't help but love you with all my heart like I've loved no other man..."

I feel his hand on my cheek and I see tears in his eyes. "Oh, Tonks..." he mumbles.

"I also feel that you feel the same way and that you'd do anything for me...when you tried pushing me away all you succeeded was making me even crazier for you seeing how much you cared." I go on, carefully wiping his eyes. "Why do you love me?" I ask, curiously.

He blinks astonished. "What? How is that even a viable question? Isn't it obvious?"

I giggle a bit at how surprised he seems. "Well, breaking news, we all have issues about ourselves!"

He goes on caressing my hair, giving me a feeling of being protected. It's nice after being so strong for so long to finally let someone in.

"You're amazing, Tonks and unlike me, you don't need anyone to tell you that...Before I met you I was a lonely man grasping to remains of happy memories and drowning in his own miserableness. You're the flame that brought me back to life; you reminded me there are still things worth fighting for. I hadn't known what love was and only Sirius knew how much I've denied it... You're so funny and bright and full of life that you didn't just complete me; you put my broken pieces back together..."

"You never said anything about my looks," I pointed out, remembering this was the first criteria boys chose me in school.

He almost snorts, "You are gorgeous, Tonks, but that not even a close round up to why I'm crazy for you...In fact, since I've accepted that i love you, you seem even more beautiful than before..."

I realise just how different this is from all my ex-boyfriends. This convo has been a roller coaster of emotions and i can't stand it anymore.

I put both my arms around his neck and kiss him hard. He starts kissing back quickly and for an indefinite amount of time we sit there entangled.

Then he breaks away slowly gasping for breath. Dark has settled in, but tonight the moon is so bright I can see without any problems.

He suddenly whips his head and points somewhere over my shoulder, gasping, "Hey,look at that!"

I turn around quickly, squinting and asking him exactly what I was supposed to see. When I look back at him, he's suddenly dropped on his knee.

I can feel my heart rate accelerate as he opens up a ring box.

"Oh, my god, Remus!" I shout out, unsure of how to respond to this romantic gesture. He smiles widely and grabs my hand.

"I know I've already proposed and you've already said yes, but i felt the need to do it properly, so here goes..."

Remus

My heart is thumping faster than ever. I don't really get why since we're already technically engaged. I guess this formal proposal just makes everything a thousand times more real.

I'm actually doing this, I think astonished...I am actually going to marry the woman that i love...the woman I thought I could never have. There are millions of ways this can go wrong but I can't think of them right now because my desire for her has suddenly overcome my sense of judgment. Praying I won't regret this, I take a deep breath,

"Nymphadora Tonks," I say, chuckling when she rolls her eyes at the mention of her first name, but doesn't say anything, "Will you make me the happiest werewolf and be my wife?"

She laughs shakily and nods beaming, tears glistening in her eyes.

I take the ring and push it on her finger. "This was my mother's...the only heirloom I've never, not once pawned or sold no matter how dire my financial situation was...I never though that I would ever get married and yet i couldn't bring myself to part with it...i guess it was destiny telling me that someday I'd meet you..."

And suddenly I panic. What was I thinking? I'm not supposed to do this! I've given her a death warrant by making her my wife.

But then she embraces me and I forget all my worries. I already know I can't live without her so what's the point in fussing...

We spend the night in each other's arms kissing until we fall asleep, on board of a little boat traveling on the Amazon...

Tonks

At some point during that night I break away from out make-out session and confess something that has been bugging me for quite some time.

"I've just realised how different our relationship is from all my previous ones...any ex of mine would have got me naked by now...I feel that our connection goes deeper than that and that you love me more than on a physical level..."

I hadn't planned to say that and yet it felt nice. He chews his lip slowly.

"Please tell me you aren't suggesting something because..." he begins rather nervous.

"Not if you're too afraid!" I chuckle, " We're gonna get married anyway so what's the hurry?"

I have a feeling this is a subject that makes him uncomfortable and regret bringing it up, so I drop it immediately.


	28. B Chapter 4

BC 4

I open the door, exhausted from all those protection spells. Lately, I've been renewing them daily. Tonks says I'm being paranoid, but Andromeda praises me for securing them. Well, as far as she can go along with praise, bitterly and snappishly.

She's been colder than ever to me after her husband died and we moved in with her. On the bright side, there's a lot of room, yet I feel she's invading our privacy to which I'd grown pleasantly accustomed. I guess she's feeling the same towards me. Good thing Tonks doesn't seem to notice, she's got enough on her mind.

The house is eerily quite. Andromeda's probably gone to sleep considering the hour, so I go up to our bedroom. But when I try to push it open, it doesn't budge. A surge of panic goes through me. We don't have a key for this room, so it must be blocked. But is she inside? I tap softly, trying to ignore my uneasiness. "Dora, honey, are you in there?" The eerie silence continues, making me all jumpy, so I pound harder and I hear a demented laugh. What the hell? I shakily point my wand and whisper 'Alohomora' without any success.

I feel I'm on the point of freaking out, as I try pushing myself into the door. Tens of horrible scenarios go through my head. I tell myself I should look for her in another room or even talk to Andromeda; that the door might simply be malfunctioning. But I don't believe myself because of that horrid laughter that seems vaguely familiar only I can't put my finger on it.

Suddenly, the door opens while I am leaning on it, sending me stumbling into the room.

I can't say for sure exactly what I'd been expecting, but it certainly wasn't my wife sitting huddled on the bed, staring into space. I open and close my mouth finding nothing to say. There's an awful menacing feeling looming in the room. I rush to her and tentatively put an arm around her. She has barely acknowledged my presence ever since I entered and that is really unnerving. But when I touch her she shudders suddenly and bursts into such an uncontrollable fit of tears that I am left dumbfolded wondering what I should do.

"All I did was lie down for a bit and when I looked up he was gone!" She sobs. For the first time I notice the empty crib and as on cue that laughter starts again.

"There's something evil in here, Remus! I couldn't seem to leave the room all day but I put it down to laziness. And after I saw he was gone I couldn't even panic or call to you...I just froze like this. I didn't even hear you come in..." she whispers between sobs.

My head is spinning with anxiety. I find myself unable to think yet wondering how on earth he could have disappeared just like that.

"You know what?" I say, voice trembling so horribly that she actually stops crying seeing how scared I am. "Let's just get out of here first and then figure it out..."

She nods feebly and I help her get up. But when we reach the door I find it blocked once more. As I frustrated try to pry it open again another peal of laughter resonates through the room and Dora shudders.

"I promised I'd get her next time, Remus..." she mumbles, heaving and eyes darting all around, yet I could sense the terror taking over her because it was doing the same to me.

Then I suddenly remember why it seemed familiar...

A flashback goes off in my head and I see the spells whizzing by, the battle at the Ministry, Sirius's bark and taunt...me rushing to Harry...his screaming...and ultimately her laugh of victory...

I gasp out loud, realising that my worst fear has come true. My knees buckle underneath me.

"It can't be..." I mumble. Not her...not with my baby...

I feel Tonks clasping my hand. When I look up to her face I see it as pale as mine must be. I fumble for my wand, but I suddenly feel it flying away from me. I hadn't thought I could be any more panicked, but I'd been wrong...

She came out laughing like crazy and holding my wand. In her other hand was my sleeping son.

All terror forgotten, I get up and run towards her, anger pulsing through me. What has she done to him that he's so quiet? She shouldn't have been able to come here! I take no more than three steps when I feel myself thrown across the room and slammed into the wall. No matter how hard I try, I can't move and turning towards Tonks I see she is immobile too, anger and hated flushed in her eyes.

Bellatrix continues laughing and when she finally takes a break to wipe her eyes she says

"My, my, wasn't that so much fun? I was right in sensing that killing you would be way too gentle..."

"Give me my son!" I hear Dora shouting furiously. But there was still a shade of terror in her voice and Bellatrix felt it too.

"My dear Nymphadora, "she chuckles, "Trying to seem tough, right? Oh well, too bad you haven't got the Dark Lord's knowledge passed on to you..."

So that's how she broke in...goodness knows what dark magic Voldemort has taught her...

"I always knew you were a bit of a slut, dear and that you settled low...half-bloods and blood-traitors...Must admit I was glad you hadn't gone down to Mudblood level as your mother...I was most surprised to see you went the lowest you could get..." she gifts me with a disgusted look, " Now even good enough for protection shields..." she shakes her head disapprovingly in my direction, seeming to enjoy herself a lot.

I wish I could snap back a retort, but nothing comes to mind. This is entirely my fault...I brought this upon all of us, I have to fix it. Yet here I am unable to do anything while that monster is threatening my child's life!

"So, let's get down to business, shall we?" She says cheerfully, pincing Teddy's cheek.

"Bellatrix, you don't have to do this! We can negotiate!" I burst out, knowing I can't stand her hurting him.

At that point she howls even louder than before. "Negotiate, filthy half-breed? What could you possibly offer me? No, I should like to teach you both a lesson for not only staining my name, but openly fighting against the Dark Lord!"

Then, she immediately mumbles an unintelligible incantation and Tonks suddenly disappears. The shock of it wrings out a strangled scream from me. I feel everything inside crumbling to pieces, a part of me ripped apart.

All I can think of is 'this is not happening, I'm not losing her'. But then why am I physically hurting so much?

"What have you done to her?" I spit out glaring at Bellatrix who is grinning. I feel my cheeks wet and find myself praying for her more than I ever prayed in a lifetime.

"She doesn't exist anymore...I vaporized her! She's gone where all forgotten and imagined things are; a place no living soul can reach. A fate worse than death!"

"No!" I shriek until my throat is raw. It can't be true...but maybe that's why I'm aching all over.

She simply smirks and holds Teddy upside down. I struggle to break free in order to strangle the life out of her but it's no use.

"This little fellow is drugged until the Dark Lord decides what to do with the mongrel. Same goes for my dear sister...Like I said, death is too kind for you so I'll let you suffer in your own miserableness. Maybe Fenir will be kinder and put you out of your misery thought don't expect him to be quick..." she lets out a last wicked laugh and Apparates.

The spell she'd cast over the room vanishes and so do my restrains. I crumble weakly on the floor, not realising just how much I'm shaking. An overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness fills my soul and I start pounding my hands on the floor like a hysterical baby. I can't believe this is actually happening...and even worse than expected. Beyond exasperation and frustration there is fear; fear for my wife and child...What will happen to them?

I suddenly get up and rush outside panting heavily. Although it's all my fault I find myself not regretting my liaison with Tonks. I will get her back; I will get both of them back, I decide.

Yet how? No living soul can reach Tonks and heaven knows where Teddy is. A new surge of sheer helpless washes over as I realise I'm doomed. Dumbledore is dead, Mad-Eye is dead; the only wizards who had a chance against Voldemort magic! I can't go anywhere without being recognized! I cry myself out in the courtyard more terrified than I've ever been and yet determined to get my family back.

 **A/N: Thank you all so so much for your wonderful reviews; they just make my day! Please go on and tell me what you think! I've tried something new in this chapter and I want some opinions.**


	29. BC 5

Bc5

Somehow I'm in a small cramped room with all sorts of trinkets in it. It's glowing a fading warm golden light. I vaguely remember getting Mad-Eye's invisibility cloak and sneaking into the Death Eater camp. What I don't recall is whether I found Teddy or how I even got to the camp in the first place. My head is dizzy from the vaporizing. But somehow I feel there's something more to it than that. It's like entire moments have been erased from my mind intentionally. Heaven knows how much it took to get here or how I suffered from guilt.

I shake my head. None of that matters; I'm here now and i have to find her. After a few minutes of searching through the piles and piles of imagination and forgetfulness, I hear a faint mumble. Stumbling on my way towards it, I see my lovely Dora, all messed up, hair tousled and face smeared. That's funny; I think vaguely, she doesn't even wear make-up! But I forget the queerness of that matter as soon as her eyes meet mine. The depression and desperation vanishes as her face brings on a wide smile. She laughs shakily, reaching out for me.

"Remus, is that really you?"

I nod, blinking away tears of joy. Finally, I have managed to get to her. I crouch down, but when I try to hold her I find myself pushed back by an invisible barrier. Her eyes suddenly widen in shock as she points behind me. I swirl around, ready for anything.

"So you are really forcing my hand...Oh well, I promise it will make you suffer!" Bellatrix leers, once more clutching our son. Only this time a few things are different. First off, he's awake and bawling his eyes out; then she's grasping him much tighter and has a sharp knife in the other hand. I immediately put two and two together and the realisation is so terrible I can't even voice it in my head.

"You wouldn't!" I gasp terrified.

"Bellatrix, he's just a baby!" Tonks screams, her voice choking.

This time there's no spell binding us, yet neither of us move.

"Please, we'll do anything!" She continues sobbing.

"Pathetic!" Bellatrix spits out, not even leering. Her expression is one full of disgust. "I will do it and you're going to watch!" Suddenly, a whirlwind of fire opens up underneath us and we fall right into it. It seems we're falling forever. Nausea and strain takes over and I close my eyes. Something is missing here; this is getting way out of hand! Not even Bellatrix is that insane…or is she? And why are there chunks of my memories missing? This entire 'adventure' is wrong; I decide…None of it makes sense! I vaguely hear Tonks shouting something, but I find myself unable to open my eyes. Then Teddy is howling and she grabs my arm painfully. Somehow, I'm past fear and anxiety and trickles of sweat are beading all over me. I'm numb all over with dread. "He's only a couple of months old!" I hear through the darkness and flames that are eating me alive. And it hits me suddenly! It's February! He couldn't have been born yet! All the pieces fit in; this is why everything is so illogical and fractured! I'm simply having a nightmare! I almost exhale in relief, but then Bellatrix laughs again. I bite my lip as hard as I can, inwardly screaming to wake up and praying that this is indeed just inside my head. I feel blood in my mouth, yet the heat from the fire is still overwhelming, Tonks is still clutching my arm and my heart drops. I finally manage to pry my eyes open… 


	30. bc 6

I wake up, sweating all over and panting. My blood is curling in my veins and I'm having the biggest panic attack ever. I'm so afraid, vivid memories of the most realistic and horrid nightmare I've ever had flashing rapidly through my head. I feel dizzy and weak so I try heaving deep breaths to calm myself, yet the ghostly dread has taken deep root in me. I am all of a sudden fully aware of my surroundings. I'm in the soft bed, in our room at Dora's house...everything's back to normal. It must still be night because I'm in semi-darkness. Then I feel a strong slap from my left and I whip around, embracing Dora as hard as I can, elated that she's all right. The heat that had been bothering me was the heap of blankets I'd covered myself in and my wife's grip was real. I start to cry of happiness and relief, but the stone of fear doesn't lift from my heart. "Remus, have you been listening at all!" She snaps angrily. I draw back just a bit to look at her. I notice that she's scrutinizing me anxiously, eyes bloodshot probably from waking up in the middle of the night. "What happened; you've been freaking me out! You were shouting in your sleep and I've been trying to wake you up...Are you all right?" Her tone softens from anger to frustrated worry. "I..." I begin flustered, but can't find the words to continue. Now that I think of it, the dream seems stupid but at the same time gives me the chills. I put my arms around her again and hold her tightly as if Bellatrix were to burst in at any moment and snatch her away from me forever. Tonks's Pov This is the first time I've wished to break away from his embrace. He's holding me so tightly that I feel my bones are going to break any moment. But I can't find it in me to tell him that. I can feel he's terrified and his heart is thumping rapidly. It must have been some dream! For a horrible moment when he wouldn't wake up I came up with a few dozen scenarios each more terrible than the last one. For a moment I thought I would lose him and panicked completely. "Remus, you're strangling me..." I finally croak. "Oh, sorry, sorry!" He mumbles and relinquishes his hold on me just enough to let me breath. "I'm going to ask you again! Are you okay? What happened?" He forces a smile and shrugs, "Just a nightmare!" When I raise an eyebrow he goes on meekly, "The worst nightmare ever, but a nightmare nonetheless. What's important is that you're all right..." he takes a deep breath. I can sense he's doing his best to calm down but he's trembling worse than ever, making my level of anxiety increase drastically. He massages my belly and goes on, "And that he's all right..." "He?" I ask, half-smiling. "My nightmares are usually about losing you, but they've always contained just sensations and vagueness...This one seemed so real...so viable..." he seems to be talking to himself, probably hadn't even meant to tell me this but had to get it out. Everyone knows nightmares just reflect your deepest and most sincere fears...I can't believe that losing me is his greatest fear. Before I can say anything, he gets up, griping my hand painfully. "I think I'm gonna go check the protective shield; wanna come?" He tries to sound casual, but his voice is strained and judging by the way he's grasping my hand he's going to drag me along whether I like it or not. "How about I make us some tea first?" I ask tentatively, wishing he'd stop with the paranoia because it's making me uneasy. I'm already afraid on a daily basis but having him with me and falling asleep in his arms gives me a sense of security. If he's going to crack, I don't know what I'm going to do... He opens his mouth to argue but then nods, probably realising how much he needs to calm down. As we descend towards the kitchen he doesn't let go of me for one second and it's getting unnerving. It makes me feel as if he's trying to protect me from an imminent danger that I don't know and it makes me want to shudder. "So..." I say, after I put the water to boil, wanting to take his mind of things, "In your dream we had a son? Does that mean we will have a son or that you subconsciously wish we have a son?" I grin in order to ease the tense atmosphere but his expression hardens. "You are completely missing the point!" He stresses out. Remus I can't believe that this is the first thing which came to her mind! Only when she rolls her eyes do I realise that I don't want her to get the point. I don't to freak her out more than I obviously have. "I am trying to avoid the point!" She says in a hurt voice, almost chocking on her words. When I am too ashamed to say anything back, she sighs deeply. "I'm afraid too, Remus! Of this horrid war waging on that threatens our family! Constantly! But what help is it? I trust you with my life!" "Don't say that!" I shout. She shouldn't have said that! "Any defenses can be broken, especially by dark magic! Dumbledore and Mad-Eye, our best wizards are dead! The only ones whose knowledge could match Voldemort's. They can't help us! We need to move this house or get a secret keeper...Only there's no one except you I fully trust...no offence to the Order..." I hear sudden footsteps and turn around whipping out my wand nervously when Andromeda walks down the stairs wearing a bathrobe and drowsy from sleep. "What is going on?" She asks lazily, stressing each word. Tonks gives her an ugly stare which I can't read, but the other obviously can because her face softens. "Does your sister know where you live?" I blurt out, instinctively. She blinks, taken aback, obviously not expecting this question. "What?" She asks incredulously. "Well does she?" I snap. "I...I don't think so...After my marriage everyone simply cut me off. I doubt they even bothered to find out where I'd be living..." I start feeling really bad for her. At least my family was supportive. I nod sadly, then make up my mind. "We have to move...It's not safe here!" I say briskly. Ignoring the puzzled and startled look on her face, I go on, "Unless we find a way to move the house anytime soon, we have to evacuate this one, so have your handbags ready!" "I'm not leaving Ted's house!" She suddenly says with a final note in her voice and I don't dare argue. "Suit yourself, but like I said, we're not safe here..." She crosses her arms and looks quizzing at me. "I'm not saying no to precaution, but where did you get these ideas?" I open my mouth but saying 'a dream' out loud seems stupid so I shrug and pour myself some tea that Dora has made in the meantime. It doesn't calm me down one bit. I have the feeling that I'll be the death of her and that isn't something I can live with. She'll tell me it was just a dream all she can but I know that it was much more...it was a warning...A warning that we won't come out of this alive. 


End file.
